10 Tips for being a Top Football Manager

1.      Dress the part. Always look like you have just come off the training pitch (even though you haven’t). No suit and tie for you; always stick to training gear and a baseball cap.

2.      Talk the talk. Even if you can’t walk the walk. It’s how you got the job in the first place, isn’t it? Impress everyone with your mastery of safe, solid, functional, unentertaining football, and your encyclopaedic knowledge of the game going back to the Early Jurassic.

3.       Be one of the lads. Always refer to your players by their nicknames. So no Tavernier, Fletcher or Downing; it’s Tav, Fletch and Stewie. This shows how close you think you are to the players.

4.      Blame the lads if it all goes wrong. After all, you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the game going back to the Early Jurassic, so you can’t possibly be wrong.

5.      Blame anyone else if it all goes wrong. If the lads have played well but you still lost, blame the tight fixture list, injuries, poor luck, the mistakes of previous managers, and their wives, the referee, the opposing team, the weather, the pitch, or the Triassic–Jurassic extinction event.

6.      Never take the blame yourself. Why should you? You have a perfect mastery of strategy and tactics (as well as an encyclopaedic knowledge of the game going back to the Early Jurassic).

7.      Lie when necessary. Or even when not necessary. Lie just for the hell of it. Why not?

8.      Suck up to the owner. You’re great pals, right? This is so obvious that an explanation is not necessary. You can get away with all of the above as long as you have the owner’s confidence. And if you’re not so sure that you do have his confidence, just keep on saying that you have his confidence. After all, if you repeat the lie often enough it will become the truth (see Josef Goebbels and point 7).

9.      Learn to be incoherent. Most people can express themselves clearly enough when they want to, but a successful football manager must always be difficult to understand. If he fails to be difficult to understand, he will obviously be understood, which would be disastrous. Studying Donald Trump’s twitters is recommended.

10.  Get a great deal. Some might say that this should have been number one. Try to aim at an immensely inflated salary (after all, you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the game going back to the Early Jurassic, and that does not come cheap).  Complain about the previous managers’ mismanagement and the lack of the players you want; promise nothing (except something vague like streamlining the club and making it more cost-effective) and propose that you be appointed Director of Football for life and King of Scotland.
[-] The following 7 users Like Oslo_Syd's post:
  • SmogDane, boro-unger, D.Z., pikerman, gordy1000, Hendrie_7, RiseAgainst
Oslo - you forgot the player buying checklist:
- Must cost 3 time more than actual worth.
- Not less than 5'10" tall
- If above 6'2" add 50% onto the inflated price
- Must have fear of playing wide
- Must be incapable of playing creative forward pass
- Must run like a plodding carthorse
- Must be ineffectual for corners and set pieces
- Additional transfer money paid for heads shaped like 50p coin
[-] The following 2 users Like gordy1000's post:
  • Oslo_Syd, RiseAgainst
And absolutely under no circumstances must wide players be bought or allowed near the match day squad.

You know who plays wide in this team? Center backs and central midfielders (preferably defensive).

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