Derby v Boro 2-1 (Kebano)

[boro-unger 3,870]

Derby v Boro. 13th February 2021. 15:00. Pride Park.

 

 

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the second edition of Choose your own Boroventure! Some of you may remember, many years ago in the Pre-pandemic era (November 2016 to be precise): Boroventure part one. Well, the stars have aligned as it turns out it’s my turn to author a MD thread on the same week I’m off work and have bugger all to do thanks to a global pandemic...

 

The premise, if you've never read the books when you were little (did you not have a library card?!), is simple. I will spin a wonderous narrative with many different paths down which you can wander. You must pick between the two or more options at each point by clicking the link you prefer. But beware! some of the paths lead to misery, heartbreak and your untimely demise. What adventure will you go on with the mighty Boro today?!

 

Be sure to share which ending you get first (although you can retry as many times as you like.)!

Important Note: after clicking a link, don’t scroll! Please give your browser a few seconds to finish loading after clicking to take you to the correct post.

Also note: No cheating by reading Ahead!

 

Begin here:

It is a chilly morning. You look at your car dashboard, which tells you it’s 08:03 on Friday 12th February 2021. You are going in for your first day at your new job, First team coach at Middlesbrough Football Club. As a lifelong Boro fan, the job is a dream come true (and you are still quite surprised that Neil Bausor head-hunted you from your job stacking shelves at Lidl, but who are you to argue…). You can’t wait to get in and meet Neil Warnock and the players.

You park up at Rockliffe in your Fiat 500 and head into the training ground. A man at the door sprays some chemicals in your face and tells you to put a mask on. You oblige. As you walk into reception, the (rather attractive) receptionist looks at you, surprised “Oh, are you the new cleaner?”

 

“Oh, no, I’m here for the First team coach position. Neil said to report to reception” 

"Err, yeah" 

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 1

“Defensive play. We’ve been all over the shop recently”

You spend the day drilling McNair and Fry - not in a sexy way, in a defensive way. Things like tackling and heading and stuff. You instruct the attacking players to stay solid and get back whenever Derby have the ball.

On the coach down to Derby the next day, Dijksteel offers you a Sandwich. Do you take it?

Yes 

No 

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 2

Bring Fletcher on for Akpom and Johnson on for Kebano.

You make the changes at half time and send the team out for the second half. Boro continue their attacking play; but leave themselves far too open to the counter. They lose 3-2 after an open game.

THE END

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 3

“No thanks Dijksteel, I brought a wrap” you say. You enjoy your wrap on the journey, enjoying your favourite song ‘The National Express’ by The Divine Comedy on repeat all the way to Derby on your portable MP3 player.

You arrive at Pride park and lead your players into the makeshift, covid safe visitor’s dressing room – a local pub. The landlord shows you to the beer garden where you will make your pre-match speech and you set up your flipchart and magnetic pitch thing.

You set up your team on the board. Who do you choose:

A 5-5-0 formation with Bettinelli, Fisher, Dijksteel, McNair, Fry, Bola, Saville, Howson, Bolasie, Morsy and Kebano.

A 5-3-1 formation with Bettinelli, Fisher, Dijksteel, Mcnair, Fry, Bola, Saville, Howson, Saville, Morsy, Akpom.

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 4

“Err, yeah” you reply. The receptionist says “You’re late” with a disapproving look on her face. She escorts you down to the basement and shows you the cleaning cupboard. “We’ve needed a new cleaner since our old one went to Bournemouth the other day. You can start by mopping the floors.”

You spend the rest of your days in the basement at Rockliffe cleaning. You long for your job at Aldi back. Or was it Lidl… You can’t quite remember now. THE END

Start Again.

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 5

“Positive Gaffer”

“Oh bloody hell, not again. This bloody vir...” Neil started as the nurse Betty jumped on him and wrestled him out the door “You get home and don’t come back for 10 days!”. You sit there shocked, waiting for your test.

After a while, the nurse gives you your result (negative) and you leave the room. You see Neil Bausor walking towards you with purpose in his stride and a notable lack of cheesy grin on his face. “Look, I’ve just heard about Neil. Not me, the other Neil.”. “Yeah, shame that. What are we going to do about the big game at Derby tomorrow?” you ask. Neil looks around, as if in the hope he would spot another manager lurking in the shadows of the reception area who he could call on for help. As luck would have it, Garry Monk WAS there, lurking in the shadows. His green eyes glinting out from the darkness… Neil pretends not to see him “You’ll have to do it” “Me?” you say. “I can’t”. Neil retorts “Well, it’s either you or slytherin over there”.

 

"Yeah, fair enough" you reply.

“I really aren’t qualified. Maybe you should ask Garry. He is experience after all.”

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 6

“I’m your new boss now. Neil has had a positive test and is having to self-isolate for a couple of weeks”. The players look disappointed, but ready to learn. “What are we going to be working on today then boss?” Bola asked?

 

“Attacking play. We need to take the game to Derby”

“Defensive play. We’ve been all over the shop recently”

“We’re going to study Derby’s weaknesses. Know your enemy and all that"

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 7

“Oh, no, I’m here for the First team coach position. Neil said to report to reception”. The receptionist looks at you in disbelief. She picks up the phone. “Hello Neil Bausor”, “No Neil, I wouldn’t normally say your full name, It’s just that I have to differentiate between you and Neil Warnock for the reader…” “Anyway, lad here at reception says he’s the new first team coach. Do you know anything about it?”. “Ok, thanks Neil, I’ll send him in for testing”. The receptionist put the phone down and, sensing the confusion on your face, she explains “You have to get a Covid test, it’s just through there”.

As you walk the way she had gestured, you whisper something under your breath. “What was that?”, the receptionist said?

 

“I said you’re a fit bitch”

“I said it’s a big pitch…”

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 8

“Attacking play. We need to take the game to Derby”

Bolasie, Watmore, Kebano and Akpom’s ears pricked up as you say it. You spend the rest of the day drilling the team on how they can and should assist the attack whenever they can. The defensive players look bored as you go over corner routines and through balls.

 

Click here to progress

 

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 9

“I said it’s a big pitch…”. The receptionist looked puzzled, “I suppose. You can’t even see the pitch from here though…”. You don’t wait for her to finish before walking through the door labelled “Covid19 testing”. You see a couple of the players and staff in the room getting tested. As you walk past, Britt grins at you and tells you he just failed his test…

Neil Warnock was also in the room getting a swab shoved up his nose by the club’s burly nurse “Betty”. You sit down at the testing station next to his “Hi Neil, I’m the new first team coach, just started today”. Neil replies “Nice to meet you lad”, then referencing the swab test: “I tells you, nothings got up my nose that well since that bloody referee against Blackburn, did you see that? Unbelievable. Now tell me what this test says. I daren’t read it lad…” He hands you his Covid19 test…

 

“It's positive Gaffer”

“It’s negative Gaffer”

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 10

“Ooh, yes please Dijky, I’d love a sarnie.” You take a bite out of the sandwich and swallow it down, you’re starving. After a few mouthfuls, you start to feel a rumbling in your stomach. Oh no, you completely forgot that you’re massively allergic to prawns. You head down to the coach toilet and proceed to spend the next 4 hours emptying your guts. The lads get back on the bus after the game. “How did it go lads?” you enquire… “Lost 2-0 boss.” Akpom glumly replied. If only you had been there to give your inspired team-talk you’d prepared… THE END

 

Back to the Start

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 11

“I said you’re a fit bitch”. Just as the words come out of your mouth, you notice Neil Warnock standing by reception. “Ere Lad. You can’t talk to lasses like that these days, are you with me? It’s just not on. Get out Lad. I don’t want to see you here again….”. He turns to the receptionist: “Are you all right darling?!”

You are sacked under section 4.3.2 of the Club’s equality and discrimination policy. THE END

 

Think about your actions and Start Again...

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 12

“Suit and Trousers. Smart and Professional” you say. “A manager must set an example.”

As you arrive at Derby, the players huddle under a makeshift Gazebo which has been laid out for the team by Wayne Rooney. He put it up wrong, so that the roof was pointing inwards, rather than outwards, but it’s the thought that counts.

You remind the team of the attacking style you want to see from the team (a 4-2-3-1 formation with Bettinelli, Dijksteel, Fry, McNair, Bola, Howson, Morsy, Bolasie, Kebano, Watmore and Akpom all selected) today. “All guns blazing” you say. As you’re talking, Howson put’s his hand up “Are we allowed to shoot boss”. “Well, yes of course you are Johnny. Why do you ask”. “Oh, that’s good boss. None of the other managers let us do that.”.

The team emerge from the gazebo and start the game off at a blistering pace. They get an early goal, thanks to a direct Kebano free kick. Unfortunately the team began to tire before half time and were caught on the counter attack. A lightning quick Jóźwiak run cuts through the Boro defence like butter. He slips the ball through to Kazim-Richards, who slots the ball past Bettinelli.

You bring the lads in a half time. “Right lads. Not a terrible first half, but we’re going to make a couple of changes for the second. The game hangs in the balance!”

 

Bring Fletcher on for Akpom and Johnson on for Kebano.

Bring Fisher on for Watmore and move to a defensive formation. 

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 13

“We’re going to study Derby’s weaknesses. Know your enemy and all that”

You take a leaf out of Bielsa’s book and phone your mate in Derby. “Dave, go down and spy on Rooney’s training session will you? Let us know what he’s up to”. Your mate Dave reports back that Rooney had got confused with the magnetic pitch/whiteboard things and smashed it up into little pieces. “He didn’t trust the magic-netics”, he said. Dave then told you the formation and team selection that Rooney was planning on using.

The next day you and the Boro team set off on the coach to Derby. When you get there, you instruct the lads to get changed (except Bola, who had worn his entire kit the whole way down, including his boots and shinnies) and you get changed into your suit. You prepare the lads for the opposition threats and send them out for the game.

As you walk out onto the Pride Park pitch, you see your fellow inexperienced manager sat on an advertising hoardings. Looking like a troll who’s lost his bridge... What do you do?

 

Go over to greet Rooney

Ignore Rooney.

 

[boro-unger 3,870]

Number 14

The next day, you step on to the coach to make your way down to Derby. Half the team look enthusiastic and the other half a bit clueless. Sam Morsy pipes up “What are you wearing boss??”

 

"Suit and Trousers. Smart and Professional".

"Pyjamas"

"Tracksuit"