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I walked into a butchers shop the other day, and he said to me "I bet you £10 you can't reach those two pieces of meat up there" I said to him "I'm not going to take that bet" "Why not" he repli

I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite. When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a voluntee

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Our own resident Motor Mouth is the source of great jokes and it would be good to have funny and CLEAN jokes thread on here will have to think about what section they should go.


Ok will move this to the football forum just above The Ashes thread and other threads that probably hvave been forgotten about

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I knew one day some one would open a thread like this.

I may know naff all about football but I do know a good joke.

I'll do my utmost to stay in the clean area's.!!!!!!!!! not. :D



He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,

Then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... Back and forth...

Back and forth..... In and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead,

between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting

near to the end. Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,




















"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bugger!!!"

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In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?", said the nurse.

"I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images".

Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took David's hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ".

"Amen", said David

"Amen", said Nick

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving b*****ds; and I would like to do the same...."

The Haircut


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.



And the dad replied,

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?"

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I think this thread is dying a death but I will try and breath a bit more life into it. Before it gives up the ghost.. :D




Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.


Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.


Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.


'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.


"You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.


Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.


'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.


The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '


'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. '


I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!



Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.


Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so,it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.


One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,


'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.


Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'


The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.


The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.


His partner says,


'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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Think you are having a bad day ?


Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....


Still think you're having a bad day ?


A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Still having a bad day ?


Just remember, it could be worse..

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.



Still think you are having a bad day ?


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you're having a bad day ?


Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.


What ?! STILL having a bad day ??


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.



There now, I bet that got you feeling better ? :P

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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

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