Jokes thread!

[Motor Mouth 255]

Bit late I know but it was Yorkshire Day yesterday and I am still a proud Yorkshire man no matter what the Government do moving boundaries  or try to call us.

.................

God was bored and went missing for six days. The Archangel Gabriel found him resting on the seventh day.

 

"What have You been up to?" he said.

 

"I've created the planet Earth and it will be a place of great balance."

 

"Balance?" said Gabriel.

 

God explained.

 

North America would be wealthy and South America would be poor.

 

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there a continent of black people."

 

God talked of different countries.

 

"That one will be hot and that one will be covered with ice."

Gabriel was impressed and pointed to an area in England and said:

 

"What's that?"

 

"Ah," said God.

 

"That is Yorkshire, the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful lakes, streams, rivers and hills, great music, architecture, and sporting giants. The people from Yorkshire will be modest, intelligent and witty. They will be sociable, hard working and high achievers. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and peace-makers."

 

Gabriel gasped in admiration, thought for a moment, and said: "But what about balance, God? You said there will be balance."

 

"Ah," said God, nodding sagely, "let me tell you about Lancashire..."  :)

[Motor Mouth 255]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

 

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

 

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. 

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

 

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

 

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. 

 

Again, there was no response.

 

***ed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, 

 

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

 

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."

 

"Rubbish", replied the young alien.. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

 

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien, off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

 

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

 

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. 

"He damn near killed me! 

 

How did you know he was so dangerous?"

 

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

 

"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess 

with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

[Motor Mouth 255]

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

 

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

 

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

 

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

 

Just then they came upon another cave.

 

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.

 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

 

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

 

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

 

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

 

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

 

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

 

 

You'll like this

 

 

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Motor Mouth 255]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.”

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

 

The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”  :D

[Motor Mouth 255]

The Zipper

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!”

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

[Motor Mouth 255]

A young ventriloquist touring Norway puts on a show in a small fishing town...

 

 

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. 

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and starts shouting,

 

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes...

 

 

 

What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? 

 

What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work 

and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. 

It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!

 

 

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,

 

but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

 

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,

 

 

 

 

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little *** on your knee!

[Motor Mouth 255]

Been a while since I posted this one.

 

CARING:

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is Roger Lesch, Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

 

I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!!!! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

 

Roger died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.

 

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

 

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder...

The all-woman jury took only ten minutes to find her, Not Guilty - accepting her defence that Roger, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

A hole in one, so to speak!!!!

[Motor Mouth 255]

I went to golf lessons with a professional instructor. I hit a few balls and missed the green on every shot. 

 

He said “I can see your problem, you need to cut six inches off all your clubs”.

 

“Will that improve my game?” I asked.

 

“No but they’ll fit in the bin easier” He replied.

===========

 

I went to the zoo yesterday. Looking in a small cage I saw a baguette. I asked a keeper what it was about, he said it was bread in captivity

====================

 

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation. 

 

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

=============

 

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

============

 

After the success of his book on Ethics, Chris Eubank is writing another one, on Kent

============

 

There's a new book out about poltergeists. Apparently it is flying off the shelves

==============

[Motor Mouth 255]

Every Christmas we'd run downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour dinner before watching telly for the rest of the day. I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

 

++++++++++++

 

All my relatives were police marksmen, except my grandfather, who was a bank robber, he died recently, surrounded by his family..

 

+++++++++++

[Motor Mouth 255]

I remember back in October my cat started growing a really thick coat.

My wife said, "That means we're gonna have a really bad winter."

It was for the cat - she got run over.

++++++++++

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.*

After a while, the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

+++++++++

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

 

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

 

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

++++++++++

Paddy

"I think my wife's selling drugs"

 

Mick

"How come?"

 

Paddy

The phone rang this morning I answered it, and some bloke said

 

"Has that dope gone yet?"

+++++++++

A man walks into a library drunk and says, "can I have a fish and chips please" The woman says, "sir this is a library" and then he whispers, "can I have a fish and chips please."

+++++++

A husband shouts down the phone, "For the third time, I don't know!" and slams the phone down.

 

"Who was that?" says the wife.

 

"Some idiot confusing us with the MET Office, he keeps asking if the coast is clear"

++++++++++

That's the last time I buy anything from eBay. I put in a bid for the world's largest box. It's just arrived now and I've been conned. The box it came in is bigger.

++++++++

Quasimodo walks into Burtons and he says to the salesman 

"Have you got a suit to fit me"?

The salesman replies 

"Well if we have, someone is getting the sack!"

+++++++++

[mj2019 0]

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

 

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

[Motor Mouth 255]

The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty, fancy another one?"

 

"Why the hell would I want two empty glasses?" I asked.

 

++++++++++++

 

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

 

I can't read a damned word on it now.

 

+++++++++

 

The boss of a small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. So to try and change this behaviour in the office, he came in the next day, and placed a sign on his door.

It said: “I am the boss, so respect me.”

 

One of the employees stuck a post-it-note on the sign.

It said: “Your wife wants her sign back!”

 

++++++++++

 

A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

 

The technician looked at his weapon, and then at the target. He looked at the weapon again, and then at the target again. He then put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

 

+++++++

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

 

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

 

Student: "Bacon!"

 

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"   :oops:   :D :D

[Motor Mouth 255]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride

Approached her new husband and asked

For $20.00 for their first lovemaking

Encounter. In his highly aroused state,

Her husband readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made

Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a

Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other 

incidentals that she needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was

Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that

His employer was going through a process of corporate

Downsizing, and he had been let go.

 

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find

Another position that paid anywhere near what

He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which

Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling 

Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued

by thebank which were worth over $2 million,

And informed him that they

Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

 

She explained that for more than

Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, 

These holdings had multiplied and these were the 

Results of her savings and investments. 

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments

Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could

Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,

I would have given you all my business!'

 

That's when she shot him.

I know' I didn't see this coming either

 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when

To keep their mouths shut

 

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. 

But push the wrong button and you're disconnected!

+++++++++

A few corny ones......

Murphy said to O'Brien. "Why do Scuba divers go backwards into the water off a boat?" 

O'Brien said "Well if he went forwards he would end up flat on his face in the bottom of the boat"

++++++++

My wife wants me to have sex with her on the bonnet of her Honda Civic,

But if I’m going to have sex like that, it’ll be on my own accord....

++++++++

First the doctor told me the good news - I was going to have a disease named after me.

+++++++++

A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids. A lady went and sat down next to him. She asked, "Are these all your kids?" The man replied, "No, I just work at a condom factory, these are all the complaints".

++++++++++

[Motor Mouth 255]

Story of 3 ducks (bit norty)

A man goes into a pub with 3 ducks, 2 under his arms and holding the third

At the bar he has a couple of drinks and needs the restroom, so he leaves the 3 ducks on the bar counter.

 

The bar decides to have a chat with these ducks so he asks the first one "What is you name?"

The Duck replies "my name is hughie"

Barman " So what will you be doing tomorrow hughie?"

Duck says " Most of the day I will going in and out of puddles , because I really like doing that.

 

He asks the second one "What is you name?"

The Duck Replies "my name is Dewie"

 

Barman " and what will you be doing tomorrow Dewie?" 

Dewie says " Most of the day I will going in and out of puddles , because I, just like hughie I really like doing that"

 

Barman askes the third duck " What is you name?"

 

Duck replies "My name is Puddles, and I am not looking forward to tomorrow"

[Motor Mouth 255]

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?  :cheese:

++++++++++

 

Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.

Bruce says; "What are you watching that 5hit for? You can't cook to save your life!."

To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"  :cheese:

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