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My granddad was found dead in his kitchen wearing a corset, stockings, suspenders, and with a cable around his neck from what looked like a botched asphyxiation session.

(His friends actually found him wearing a Newcastle Utd shirt, but they changed him into this other stuff to lessen the embarrassment).

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  • 3 months later...
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I walked into a butchers shop the other day, and he said to me "I bet you £10 you can't reach those two pieces of meat up there" I said to him "I'm not going to take that bet" "Why not" he repli

I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite. When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a voluntee

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Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made
even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...


CELEBRATE !!!
+++++++++++

The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says 'Hey Koala ! what are you doing?'

The koala says: 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says 'Hey you!'

So the koala looks down at him and says…


'Fuuuuuuucccck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!'

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  • 5 months later...

God its been a while since I posted on here and no bugger else as bothered I see.

Mind the way Boro had been playing I don't blame anyone for not being in a happy mood.. 😉

 

SICK LEAVE

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.

++++++

      An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
      '' I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."  she says.
      ''' Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
      '' No" she replies.
      '' This time it's mayonnaise."

++++++++++++

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
      The paramedics soon arrive on site.
      Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
      Essex Girl: "OK"
      Medic: "What's your name?"
      Essex Girl: "Sharon."
      Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
      Sharon: "Yes."
      Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
      Sharon: "Romford, mate."

++++++++++

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; There's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
       Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
      Essex girl  "Ok."
      Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
      Essex girl  "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

+++++++++++

 

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“A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, and says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill was that strong! The drug company will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.

+++++++++

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!

+++++++++

After another unsuccessful attempt at performing his marital duties the husband said.
“I'm sorry love, it's not my fault, It's the mirror."
“Really? The mirror?"
“Yeah." he replied. "Go and have a bloody good look in it."

++++++

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line "Gotcha"... 😉 

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The Pope and Donald Trump were standing before a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump; “Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy. This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your followers but one that when ever they speak of this day, they will rejoice”.

Trump replies “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand ?

Show me”…….

…..So the Pope slapped him !!!

+++++++++

Two women in the old peoples home.
Sadie: I have a sore throat.
Ruby: When I have a sore throat I suck a Fisherman's Friend.
Sadie: Great idea but who drives you to the seaside

++++++

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
+++++++++

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  • 2 weeks later...

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

++++++++++

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

++++++++++

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

+++++++++

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

+++++++++

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The World Organisation has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus,and theres no reason to quarantine dogs anymore..

W.H.O let the dogs out.

++++++++

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant what gets rid of Coronavirus.

She said ammonia cleaner.

I said sorry I thought you worked here.

++++++++

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well,I'm pretty good,but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

+++++++++

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  • 1 month later...

A Catholic priest, Baptist preacher, and a Jewish rabbi were having coffee together. Someone made the comment that preaching to people is easy; a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided each to find a bear and try preaching to it.

A week later they met again to discuss the results.

Father Flynn had his arm in a sling and various bandages about his body but said "Well, I found a bear and began to read to him from the Catechism. The bear came after me and started to slap me around. I quickly grabbed my bottle of holy water and sprinkled it on him and, Holy Mother of God, the bear became as gentle as a lamb'.

Reverend Bill spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'Well, I also found a bear and began to read to it from the Bible, but the bear came after me. We wrestled down the hill until we came to a creek, so I quickly dunked the bear and baptised him. And, just like you said, it became as gentle as a lamb'.

The priest and the preacher both looked down at the rabbi who was in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looked up and said 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

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Was waiting outside in this blistering sunshine to get an ice cream from or local ice cream man. After an hour of waiting a neighbour asked what I was doing so I explained. She then shared the bad news that he was recently found dead in his van, covered in raspberry sauce, hundreds and thousands with a flake shoved up his ***. The police reckoned he topped himself

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  • 1 month later...

A man with a very small penis went to the doctor. The doctor told him that following years of research they could now transplant the trunk of a baby elephant that had sadly just died at the zo, for only £10,000. He went ahead with the operation and after he had recovered found a very pretty lady and invited her to dinner.

They were sat opposite one another and he could see her gorgeous cleavage, and felt a stirring in his trousers. Suddenly his new penis came up over the table, grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and disappeared.

'That was amazing' she said with obvious interest in her eyes 'can you do that again so I can have a proper look?'

'Yes' he said 'but you will have to wait a few minutes as I can only get one apple up my *** at a time'

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Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

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Old Yorkshire couple in heaven
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’
The old man a typical Yorkshire lad asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.
That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’
The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’
The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your ****ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!!.

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A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who'd had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying ***!" she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

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