Jokes thread!

[Motor Mouth 255]

SLEEPING WITH MICK.

 

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

 

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

 

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

 

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

 

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

 

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older and a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

 

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the ***, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

 

With age comes wisdom.:D:D

---

The Zipper

 

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier

walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit

puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,

"Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was

that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a

little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When

you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there

at attention?

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and

said, "No, no I didn't! All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a

couple of old duffel bags."

[Motor Mouth 255]

A few saucy quickies.

On their wedding night, the husband said "Now we are married I'd like to try something different, is that OK with you?"

 

"Depends what it is" She said

 

"It's the wheelbarrow position" He said "Get on the floor stiffen up your arms I'll come behind you pick up you legs and away we go"

 

"That sound OK" She said "As long as we don't go past my mothers house"

 

 

..............................

 

 

bloke goes to Superdrug for some KY gel there's none.. the assistant said "have u tried Boots" he said i want to slide in ..not march in!!"

 

..................................

 

 

why is a christmas tree better than a man??? It stays up for 12 days & nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!!!!!

 

...........................

 

 

A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons bedroom out and found a fetish magazine under his bed.

In a panic she phoned her husband at work and asked him who sort of punishment she should give the boy.

 

"Not sure" He said "But what ever you do, DON'T SPANK HIM"

 

 

 

............................

 

 

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

 

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."

 

"Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

 

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said, "shoot the f*king Chihuahua."

---

Cat's.

 

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

 

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

 

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

 

Johnny: Seven

 

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

 

Johnny: Six.

 

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

 

Johnny: Seven!!!

 

 

A very angry Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?

 

Very angry Johnny:

 

Because I've already got a f-----g cat at home !!!

---

My mothers very wise words.

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

 

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!

But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!

 

My mother taught me about CHOICE.

"Do you want me to stop this car?"

---

Machines Of The Future.

.................

 

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ....

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

 

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

 

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.

 

 

Fifteen seconds later the salesman

pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

 

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,

'Manicures, $20.00'.

 

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.

 

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

 

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

 

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.Fifteen secon ds later it shut off.

 

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit..........which now had a button sewn neatly on the end. :D:D

[Motor Mouth 255]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters..

 

They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

 

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

 

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

 

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

 

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,

And the card read: 'Rothmans'

 

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,

And she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

 

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

 

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .

Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing..

Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

 

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '

 

Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

 

 

The ad said

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

 

 

 

Mum fainted

.................................

 

Can't send women to BQ.

 

Fred asked his wife Mary if she would go to B & Q and pick up a hinge.

 

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the employee to finish serving a customer,her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set.

 

When the employee was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?"

 

The employee replied, "That's a gold plated tap set and the price is £4999.00

 

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap set. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

 

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Fred had sent her to buy.

 

The employee said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

 

From the storeroom the employee yelled. "Madam, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

 

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set."

 

This is why you can't send a woman to B & Q

[Motor Mouth 255]

A man left a note for his wife to read, it went like this:

 

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

 

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

 

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty and pointing out that I am 54 years old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

 

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

 

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. x

---

Steven Spielberg was discussing his newest project - an action docudrama about famous composers, starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, were all being courted for the top roles.

Hoping to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, providing they were a*** the most famous.

 

"I have always admired Mozart," declared Stallone. "I would really love to play him."

 

"I have always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," stated Seagal. "He is the one I would like to play."

 

"Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," Willis said. "I'll play him."

 

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said. Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Well Arnold, who would you like to be?"

"I'll be Bach!" Schwarzenegger replied.

---

Yes I know its old but well worth a rerun wouldn't you say in the present climate. :D:D

 

 

Found a few of these quite funny.

 

 

[Motor Mouth 255]

STOLEN CAR

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

 

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

 

"Can I help you Sir?"

 

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

 

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

 

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's penis hanging

Out of his fly for all the world to see..

 

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

 

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

 

Missing a beat, blurts out...

 

"Holy sh*t! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

---

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

"Excuse me. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said,

 

"Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

 

 

"I have no idea, but every time I start to talk to a young woman with a figure like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

[Motor Mouth 255]

 

 

 

I went to the cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked."

 

"Does it affect the price?" I said.

 

"No, not at all." she replied.

 

 

"In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please." ...

........................

The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"

 

I replied, "Window or you'll what?" ...

[Motor Mouth 255]

That rings a bell.

 

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears.

Later that week another helpful sign went up that read To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.

[boro-unger 3,870]

A farmer had 98 sheep in his field. But when he rounded them up, he had 100...

[Motor Mouth 255]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

 

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

 

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

 

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

 

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

 

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

 

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

 

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

 

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

 

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

 

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

---

50 Shades of Grey and the Fishing Trip

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

 

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

 

"Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

 

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

 

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

 

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

 

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

 

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

 

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

 

So . . . . here I am!"

[Motor Mouth 255]

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says;

 

"I'll have a whisky please"

 

The barman asks; "Bells alright?"

 

 

Quasi replied, "Mind your own f***ing business" ...

[Motor Mouth 255]

Physical Therapist at Golf Ground

 

Two women were playing golf one sunny morning.

 

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

 

Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

 

The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize.

 

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”

 

“Ummph, oooh, nooo, I’ll be alright… I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch.

 

But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.

 

She gently took his hands away and loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

 

She then asked him, “How does that feel now?”

 

The man replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

[Motor Mouth 255]

Telephone rings, woman answers.

 

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

 

"I bet you have a tight ass with no hair ?"

 

 

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

 

He's watching the football ....

 

 

 

Who shall I say is calling ?"

................

 

The Lawyer and the Sheriff

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia.

 

 

The sheriff asks for license and registration.

 

The lawyer asks, "What for?"

 

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

 

"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," says the sheriff impatiently.

 

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

 

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

 

The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Motor Mouth 255]

Nursing home and old lady

 

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

 

 

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

 

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

 

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

[Motor Mouth 255]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLEES

 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage

in an animated conversation.

 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her

attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

 

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!. Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

 

The lady can't take this anymore,

"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted

indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex

lives!"

 

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about

sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

[Motor Mouth 255]

The Lone Ranger

 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaimed "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

 

The Chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

 

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and spends the night.

 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

 

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last

request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said, "Bring Posse!"