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Maybe most have heard this before;

 

Little Emily loved turning cartwheels

 

All the boys came to watch

 

Her mum said `Emily the boys just want to see your knickers`

 

Emily replied `Oh mum I know that`

 

That`s why I take them off first.

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I walked into a butchers shop the other day, and he said to me "I bet you £10 you can't reach those two pieces of meat up there" I said to him "I'm not going to take that bet" "Why not" he repli

I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite. When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a voluntee

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A Rabbit Walks Into A Bar ........

 

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,

" Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "

 

 

 

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

 

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

 

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

 

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,

 

(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

 

The next night, the pub is packed.

 

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

 

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into

 

applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

 

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

 

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

 

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

 

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

 

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

 

The rabbit looks aghast.

 

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,

'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

 

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

 

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

 

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends.

 

I know you'll love it.'

 

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

 

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

 

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

 

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

 

-----

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman,

 

(who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

 

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

 

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

 

To which he is answered,

 

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

 

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

 

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

 

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

 

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

 

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

 

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

 

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

 

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

 

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

 

 

'Mixin-me-toasties.' :D:D

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Royal Mail Stamp Recall

 

Royal Mail created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister, David Cameron on it.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

 

This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.

 

After a month of testing and spending of £1.1million, a

special commission presented the following findings:

 

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

 

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

 

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

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There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

 

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"


3 parrots for sale, £100, £200 and £15, a woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?" The shop keeper replys "because it used to live in a brothel" the woman thinks its funny so she buys the £15 parrot, when she gets it home the parrot says "stone the crows, a new brothel" the woman just laughs, her two daughters come home, the parrot says "bloody hell, new prozzies" the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says " keith i havnt seen you in weeks"

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  • 2 weeks later...

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

 

 

 

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

 

 

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,

I'd take it and pour it into the river."

 

Sermon complete, he sat down.

 

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."


This morning on the motorway,

 

I looked over to my right and there was aWoman in a brand new BMW doing 75Mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror

 

putting on her eyeliner !

 

 

 

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, and still working on that makeup !

 

 

 

Now as a man, I don't scare easily.

 

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

 

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked

 

my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned

 

 

 

'Big Jim and the Twins', ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

 

 

 

BL00DY women drivers !!

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There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door

to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would

look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for

breakfast.

 

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid

an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door

when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up

to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him

because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the

egg was laid on his property.

 

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my

family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I

kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back

up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for

me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

 

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his

heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back,

then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in

the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts

howling in agony for 30 minutes.

 

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my

turn to kick you."

 

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg.":D:D

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Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

 

 

 

 

 

Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

 

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

 

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing,

but I think I've got that right, now."

 

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,

I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.

Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

 

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

 

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

 

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

 

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway

and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball

towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,

the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and

again I play the ball towards his voice."

 

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

 

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the

hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play

the ball towards his voice."

 

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

 

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

 

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

 

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play

for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.

Is that a problem?"

 

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK,

I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.

When would you like to play?"

 

Stevie: "Pick a night."

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Red Haired Baby

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

 

She can't possibly be mine."

 

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

 

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

 

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made

 

love once or twice every few months."

 

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."


The Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

 

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

 

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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Yellow 24

 

 

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The
 doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some
 bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
 It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood
 yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
 There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your 
final precious moments on earth."

 

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her 
that evening as he's never been there with her before.

 

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he 
gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same 
card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the 
full house and wins £1000. The National Grid comes 
up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

 

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, 
I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone
 win four corners, a line, the full house and the
 national grid on the same card.

 

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

 

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've
 got Yellow 24."

 

"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the 
raffle as well." :) :)


Little Johnny's Dreams

 

 

One night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Uncle Bill died. He woke up and that evening, his dad got a call saying that Uncle Bill died. The next night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Aunt Joy died. He woke up, and then that evening, his dad got a call saying that Aunt Joy died. He told his daddy, "Two days ago, I had a dream Uncle Bill died, and then yesterday, I had a dream Aunt Joy died.

 

His dad said, "that's just a coincidence."

 

The next morning he tells his dad, "I had a dream that my dad died."

 

His dad was terrified. He had the worst day at work and took every precaution. He didn't eat any of the food in case of food poisoning, and he drove slowly in case of a car wreck. When he finally got home, Little Johnny's mom asks him how his day at work was. "Much more horrible than your day I'm sure," his dad replied.

 

"I don't know," said his mom, "The milkman dropped dead on the front porch today!


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13....13.. ..13"

 

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

 

Some *** poked me in the eye with a stick.

 

Then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."

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  • 2 months later...

The Pharmacist's Advice

 

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then told Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

 

At the counter, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

 

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

 

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

 

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

 

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

 

......................

 

Doing That Thing.

 

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

 

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

 

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

 

Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.

 

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

 

 

Right get that condom on” she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

 

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to,

 

So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

 

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!!

 

 

 

And what were you thinking?

 

...............................

 

Aussie Cowboy

 

Andrew the drover (Aussie Cowboy) from a huge cattle station in the Australian

outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

 

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

 

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales ,

I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila.

I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked

him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it

on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the *** out of the lot of ya!"

 

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

 

 

"A couple of minutes ago."

 

................................

 

This is my favorite.

 

 

 

Girls night out

 

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married (as told in female first person).

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with "...

the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home.

 

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock.”

 

When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

.........................

 

Coincidences

 

COINCIDENCES*

 

 

 

A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.

 

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered

champagne, too!'

 

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I

am celebrating.'

 

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

 

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he

added: 'What are you celebrating?'

 

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my

gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

 

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last

year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs

again.'

 

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

 

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

 

 

 

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said *'what a coincidence'!*

 

...........................

 

Role Play

 

Two women are discussing their sex lives.

 

One says that she and her husband are into role play to keep things exciting. Last night, she says, that they acted out the role of a plumber and a horny naughty housewife. It went on for over six and a half hours, she said. Wow, you must have been exhausted, said the friend. No, not at all, the first six hours was waiting for him to arrive.

 

...................

 

A wife's mind

 

Husband’s call:

 

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.

Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.

The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs,

a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

 

 

 

 

Wife’s Response:

"And who is Paula?"

 

................

 

Naughty Lady

 

Two well dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

 

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy businessman. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

 

After a little while, the Victorian woman said: "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from Mount Isa commented: "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman continued: "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

 

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented: "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman went on: "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

 

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented: "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman then asked , "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

 

“My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

 

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??"

 

The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well, as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a F..k?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?".

 

...........................

 

Holy email

 

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on...

 

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

 

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

 

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

 

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

 

When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'

 

God was not pleased.

 

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

 

Do you know what the e-mail said?

 

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either

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  • 4 months later...

Ed Milliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

 

 

The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

 

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'

 

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.

 

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

 

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

 

'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fukking accident either!'

..................

 

Three little ducks go into a bar.

"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.

"Huey," he replies.

...

"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.

"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.

"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"

The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

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This Australian truck driver had driven for miles and miles, he finally reached a town and pulled in. He headed for the nearest brothel and said to the Madam, here"s a 100 dollars I want your ugliest girl and a burnt pork chop.

 

She said well for that, you can have our prettiest girl and a three course meal. He replied , I'm not horny just homesick.

...........

 

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If n...ot, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Rhonda, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. "Rhonda, what's for dinner?"

"For the FIFTH time Fred, CHICKEN!!"

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Got a leaflet through my door the other day. it said" are you an alcoholic...need help? phone this number"....so i did it was the off licence!!!![/color]

.................

 

The balloon family

 

Mr and Mrs Balloon felt it was right for young balloon to sleep in his own bed for the first time, so that night they put him in a nice new bed in his own room. When Mr and Mrs Balloon went to bed later on they cuddled very close together, the bedroom door opened and young balloon crept in, trying to get in between he found he could not, not to beaten he thought I will let a bit of air out of Daddy and try again, still not enough room, so he let a bit of air of Mummy, still a bit tight. So he let a bit of air out of himself, and sneaked into the gap. In the morning His father gave him a right telling off and ending up saying "You let me down and and your Mummy but worst of all you let your self down."

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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

 

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

 

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry.  Would you like to buy a tie instead? They're only £5."

 

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel!   I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

 

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.  It has all the ice cold water you need.

 

"In shall ah." Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

 

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped .....

"They won't let me in without a ***ing tie!”

.....................

Red Haired Baby

 

 

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

 

She can't possibly be mine."

 

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

 

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

 

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made

 

love once or twice every few months."

 

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

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The Blind Man.

 

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

 

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice boobs! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

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