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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

 

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

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I have a Labrador retriever.

 

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to  check  out.

 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

 

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the  hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I  told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load  your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you  feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

 

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car  hit me.

 

I thought the guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

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A woman goes into the fishing tackle shop to buy a fishingrod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She

 

doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

An assistant is standing there wearing dark shades.

...

She says, "Excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. test line.

It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only £20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind assistant could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for £20.00? How did you get to £34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Madam. The rod and reel is £20.00, but the Duck Call is £11.00 and the Bear Repellent Spray is £3.50."

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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

 

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 

 

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. 

 

It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. 

 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' 

 

The doctor quickly responded,'£5,000 for a female brain; £200 for a male brain.' 

 

The moment turned awkward. 

 

Some of the women actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the men. A woman unable to control her curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the female brain so much more than a male brain?' 

 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, '

It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to price the male brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,  'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of  the day we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him..

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.' 

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Honesty from children..

.........

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't

 

seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me

as I sat opposite her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.  I checked my shirt for spots,

felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

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Wee Billy frae Glesgie tried his utmost to look coool !

 

 

His friend told him that he needed a pair of good designer trainers to go with his shell suit.

 

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Ginger bottles

and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

 

Strutting down the street, Billy called out to all the passers by:

"Checked oot ma new trainers pal?  Stonkin,  eh?"

 

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that while they were indeed a fine pair of trainers,

was young Billy aware that:  

"Ye've no' done up the laces on wan o' them, ya daftie !"

 

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer

and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do so.

 

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

 

"There y'are!

Clear as day......  it says......   Taiwan !!!!!" 

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  • 4 months later...

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into... the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining." he replied. :D

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo. The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. Stevie, in a bid to break the ice with his new audience, asks if... anyone would like him to play a request..A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice;"Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie"s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts;"No! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"A bit pee"d off by this, Stevie - being the professional that he is - dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man then jumps up again;"No! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"Well and truly pee"d off that this little guy doesn"t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage;"Christ, how about you get up here and do it?!"To his amazement, the litte old man climbs up onto the stage and grabs the microphone out of Stevie"s hands. As the crowd falls silent, he clears his throat and belts out;"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"

..........

My gran died last week. The funeral director said, "bury her with something she liked. "As the coffin lowered into the ground, all we could hear was grandad shouting for help.

----------------------------------------------------------

Thay finally got the verdict of the inquest into the deaths of the 18 chinese cockle pickers who drowned off the coast at Morecambe Bay in 2004. Apparently thay were told to get out of the sea when when the sea got to knee high. The thing was Nee Hi had went off for a cup off tea!

-------------------------------------------------------

We were that poor when I was a kid, my parents used to get my school clothes from the Army surplus shop.Nothing wrong with that you might say. But do you realise how badly bullied you get going school dressed as a Japanese sniper.

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OHH MY GOD !!! ...

 

Shortly after take off, a Turkish Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

''Ladies and Gentlemen, this is ...your Captain. Welcome to Turkish Airlines Flight 409, from London Heathrow to Dalaman. The weather ahead is pretty nice and sunny, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . . OH, MY GOD !...''

Silence followed !!!

Some moments later the captain came back and spoke on the intercom :

''Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you... While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap...

You should see the front of my pants !... ''

One Scotts passenger yelled from the back :

'' For f*‪#‎k‬'s sake, you think you've got problems ... ... ...

You should see the back of mine !!! '' :D :D

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Old Father O"Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You"re the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I"ve ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.""Incredible!" said Father O"Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?""Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I"ll be back to normal.""Well," said Father O"Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."So Father O"Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

...............

Are We In Wales?

 

A guy was driving down a motorway in England when his Blonde Essex girlfriend piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs".

 

lolol cheeky.

...................

So my blonde Essex wife, barefoot mind, was going to bed. She made up a hot water bottle, got a glass of water and picked up her book. She said goodnight, when I asked,

"You not taking your slippers up?" In reply, she nodded to the items she was carrying and said,

"Duh, I haven't got any hands free."

I swear to God I almost killed her there and then.

..............

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a crappy housing estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

.................

For months a little boy had been pestering his dad to take him to the Zoo.

Eventually dad gives in and off they go. When they get back the boy's mother asks him if he had a good time.

"It was great," replies the boy." And daddy had fun too, especially when one of the animals came home at 50-1"

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A man wanted to get his blonde Essex wife something nice for their wedding anniversary.

So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't under...stand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Tescos?"

................

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. . .

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

-----------------------

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly soon after this letter was first published. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

..................

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.

...

The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?"

The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."

The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

...................

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called.... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone....

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ...and those that mind ...don't matter!

And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

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  • 1 month later...

Here's a few of my all time favourites:

 

What time does Sean Connery usually get to the Wimbledon matches?

- Ten-nish

 

An Irish farmer was out patrolling his fields one day... He pulls up to his lower field an see's a bloke in a rowing boat smack bang in the middle of the field, rowing away for dear life.

 

He shouts to the bloke "Oi! What do you think you're doing in my field?!?"

 

the bloke shouts back "What'ye tink it looks like? I'm out for a sail!"

 

The farmer shouts back "You know, it's stupid morons like you that give us Irish a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a kicking!"

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