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I walked into a butchers shop the other day, and he said to me "I bet you £10 you can't reach those two pieces of meat up there" I said to him "I'm not going to take that bet" "Why not" he repli

I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite. When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a voluntee

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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. 

She looked OK for a 61 year-old. 

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. 

 

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 

 

'What's that?' I asked. 

 

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. 

 

I said, 'No,' - excitedly. 

 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. 

 

I went back to her place. 

 

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' :D :D

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 5 weeks later...

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

 

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a prayer

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."  All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.  He said, "I'm Phil."  The entire congregation held its breath.  "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

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After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour",

a chap called Bill notices green lumps on his willy.

So off he goes to the doctor.

 

The doctor explains

"You've heard of wrestlers and Rugby players getting cauliflower ears?"

 

"Yes" says Bill, nodding seriously.

 

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"  The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," the man replied.  "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."  The priest said, "I don't believe this..  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

Paddy was in  New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.  "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.  "Where are ye callin' from?"

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."  "Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"  She said, "Come out from under the bed, you bloody chicken."

 

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says:'SEX FROGS'Only £20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

 

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1.Take a shower.

2.Splash on some nice perfume.

3.Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .. please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

 

'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME'

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The owner of an entertainment club in Sunderland  was confused about

paying a supplier’s invoice,so he decided to ask his PA, Lucy, for some mathematical assistance.

He called her into his office.

 

“Lucy, you graduated at the University of Sunderland and I need some help.

If I were to give you £3,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

 

Lucy thought for a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

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My wife accused me of being a transvestite........

So I packed her things and left!!!

 

 ........................                                                           

 

Donald Trump has withdrawn his investment in a new golf course in western Scotland.

 

             He was concerned about its links with MULLAH KINTYRE.

 

                                                               emo29.gifemo29.gifemo29.gif

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 479x429https://us-mg42.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f2883598%5fACNKyAoAABJlVtlXngu4AJij%2f9g&m=YaDownload&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail[/img]

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks,  "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."

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  • 3 weeks later...

Lesson 449x492https://us-mg42.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f2984643%5fAChKyAoAAEgjVu3NTg7kgF3KIWc&m=YaDownload&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail[/img]

 

Daddy's car in the woods? 

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the  school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

Passionate embrace.

 

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and

Started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was

Giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt  Jane...'

 

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper  time.I want to see the look on Daddy's

Face when you tell it tonight.'

 

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped

Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

200x200https://us-mg42.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f2984643%5fAChKyAoAAEgjVu3NTg7kgF3KIWc&m=YaDownload&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail[/img]

Mummy fainted!

Moral:

Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story

Before you interrupt! 

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  • 2 weeks later...

A guy is visiting Newcastle for the day, while he's out shopping, he trips over on a paving stone that Newcastle Council had neglected to fix. He lands on his knee and cuts it to pieces.

 

He gets taken to A&E and explains to the doctor what's happened.

 

"Alreet" said the doctor "Ah Kna just what to dee"

 

The doctor reaches into a drawer and pulls out a chocolate bar. He melts it down, pours it all over the blokes knee, wraps a bandage round it then says "Reet, all done pet"

 

The guy moves his knee to test it out and it feels perfect, as if nothing had ever happened.

 

"Jesus Christ Doc, its like I'm a new man.. It feels perfect"

 

The doctor says "Well it's Bounty"

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:D :D :D

Nice one DVP

............

 

 

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--    

 

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'  

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'    

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs Smith fainted

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A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop dead,

gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

 

Flight Attendant:   “Angela Benz, sir”

 

Businessman:          “Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

 

Flight Attendant:   “Yes sir, very close”

 

Businessman:           “How close?”

 

Flight Attendant:    “Same price”

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  • 2 weeks later...

Home needed 

476x666http://img2.thejournal.ie/inline/2618810/original/?width=357&version=2618810[/img]

The ad reads:

This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.

 She is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.

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