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The Wine taster. 

 

 

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

 

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

 

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He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said:

 

"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.  Low grade, but acceptable.” 

 

"That's correct", said the boss.

 

Another glass....

 

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.  Requires three more years for finest results." 

 

"Correct."

 

A third glass...

 

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

 

The director was astonished.

 

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

 

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.  The alcoholic tried it.

 

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.

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The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends heavily on where they were born. Statistics just released from the United Nations revealed that:

 British men between the ages of 60 and 75, will on average, have sex two or three  times a week, (and a small number a lot more,) whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice a year if they are lucky.

 

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my colleagues, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese. :D :D

 

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The concept of drinking alcohol.

 

 

 

"Well you see,  it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,... it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that  is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks".. :D :D

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Like a sad act I write quite a few of my own jokes so this is this is right up my street.

 

I used to employ a Welsh chef but unfortunately I had to sack him. The problem was that, like all Welshmen, he just couldn't help but overpower the lamb.

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A masochist was in court this week, charged with causing actual bodily harm to himself. He was let off with a slap on the wrist; he was disappointed as he was hoping for a lot more than that.

 

I don't have many clean jokes.

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I appreciate that I'm a visitor to this board, and seeing as this jokes thread is meant to be clean, I want to get clearance first! My joke does contain material that alludes to the coupling of 2 consenting adults in an erotic scenario. If it's ok, I will post!

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Sure, go ahead, provided it's nothing excesssively foul-mouthed.

 

Ok, here it is. Apologies if crosses boundaries!

 

A father and son go into their back garden, only to discover their pet dog is dead. "Daddy, why is Fido lying on his back with all his legs in the air?", asks the son. "Well, unfortunately, Fido has died and his legs are sticking up in the air so the angels can each take a leg and lift him up to heaven".

 

The next day, the son phones his dad at work in the morning. "Daddy, daddy, I think mummy's dying! She was laying on the bed with her legs in the air, and shouting 'Jesus I'm coming!'. But luckily, the milkman was on top of her to stop the angels picking her up and taking her to heaven."

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Talking Dog.

 

A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

 

"Because he's a lying ***. He's never been out of the garden!"

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The Man Rules 

 

 

Finally, the guys' side of the story. 

We always hear "the rules" From the female side. 

 

 

Now here are the rules from the male side. 

 

 

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " 

ON PURPOSE! 

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 

We need it up, you need it down. 

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. 

Let it be. 

 

1. Crying is blackmail. 

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: 

Subtle hints do not work! 

Strong hints do not work! 

Obvious hints do not work! 

Just say it! 

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. 

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. 

Don't ask us. 

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, 

 

we meant the other one 

 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. 

Not both. 

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour, Pumpkin is also a fruit. . 

We have no idea what mauve is. 

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 

We do that. 

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, 

Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really 

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics 

as football or motor sports 

 

1. You have enough clothes. 

 

1. You have too many shoes. 

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 

 

1. Thank you for reading this. 

Yes, I know, I will have to sleep on the couch tonight; 

 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 

 

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh. 

 

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh!!

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Amish Sex Lesson

 

 

 

                                  

 

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to

her mother, My hands are freezing cold.'

 

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did,

and her hands warmed up.

 

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My  hands are freezing cold.'

 

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'  He did and

warmed up his hands.

 

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'

 

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed

up his nose.

 

The day after, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, My penis is frozen solid.

 

The girl replied, Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.

 

Well, the next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks,

Have you ever heard of a penis?

 

Concerned, the mother said, Why, yes..... why do you ask?

 

The daughter replied, They sure make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!

 

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Lawyers don't always win!

A London lawyer on holiday in Ireland drives through a 'Stop' sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any 'foreign' cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense.

 

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' 

 

London Lawyer says, 'What for?' 

 

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' 

 

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.' 

 

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' 

 

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' 

 

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' 

 

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' 

 

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. 

 

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer with it, and says, ' Now do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

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