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Jokes thread!

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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

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All very good :)

 

My dentist told me I need a crown.

I was like "I KNOW, RIGHT".

 

Don't get this one though..... :(

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I bought a new thesaurus today.

 

It's nothing to write house about.


As the Transfer Window closed, many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale.

 

But they'll be back in court today to try again.


When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.

 

If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria.

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A few that I liked on twitter:

 

I don't know who the toughest comedian is, but I know that Eddie Izzard.


Wenger - "10M for Cabaye."

 

Pardew - "No."

 

Wenger - *slams pound coin on table*


"I'll be right back." - Gary Neville (1982)

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The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

 

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

 

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

 

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

 

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

 

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

 

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

 

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

 

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

 

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

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Jewish boy to his dad.....dad can you lend me 40 quid

dad replies.... 30 quid , what do you want 20 quid for:D:D

 

did you hear about the agnostic , dislexic. insomniac that stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog :D:D

 

bloke and a giraffe walk in a bar and sit down at a corner table the bloke walks to the bar and asks for a pint of beer and a half for the giraffe

the barman looks perplexed and says that hes not happy about serving alcahol to an animal but just this once he will let it go but the first sign of trouble and theyre out

anyway after seven or eight rounds the giraffe starts getting loud and a bit out of control ... when the bloke appears at the bar for the next round of drinks the barman thinks theyve had enough and wants them to leave but after the guy pleads for just one more round he relents and serves them one last time ... the guy goes back to the table and the two of them start necking the beer down but the giraffe is out the game and falls flat out on the bar floor ... at this the bloke downs his beer and heads off alone from the bar

at this the now irate barman shouts across to him OY you cant leave that lyin there ... and the bloke slurs back over his shoulder....

 

itsh not a lion itsh a girafff

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A THAILAND LOVE STORY

 

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend

in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

 

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just

rubbing his testicles - something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do

you love doing that so much?"

 

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine."

 

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it.. lol

............................

 

One for the lads I know you will enjoy it..

 

http://media1.koreus.com/00071/200911/blonde-strip-tease.swf

 

Gotcha..lol

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GEORDIE PICK UP LINE

 

A Geordie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,' I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

''What's so special about it?'

The Geordie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady asks, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies

'Well, it must be broken, because I am!'

The Geordie taps his watch, smiles and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast'


Catholic Heart Attack

 

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed him to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

 

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

 

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?",

Asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

 

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

 

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked

woman before?"

 

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

 

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"

 

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

 

Now, that's a REAL Businessman!!!!!

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PUNOGRAPHY

 

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

 

· When chemists die, they barium.

 

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

 

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

 

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words ..

 

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

 

· A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

 

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

 

· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

· Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

 

· The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

 

· The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

 

· Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

 

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

 

· Broken pencils are pointless.

 

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

 

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

 

· All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

 

· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 

· Velcro - what a rip off!

 

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

 

· Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

 

· Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

 

· I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

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· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

Oy! My joke! :p

 

Sugar will have to have a word with my proofreader's sorry BU

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Eternal Life..

 

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says,

"I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour or Conservative government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

"You crafty little bugger," said the genie.


Essex Girls.

 

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Tilbury, Essex.

 

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

 

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

 

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

 

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

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A pharmacist walked into his shop and saw a man standing against the wall.

He said to his assistant whats up with that guy.

His assistant said he came in with a cough.

I could'nt find any cough syrup,

So I gave him a packet of laxatives.

You stupid bugger the pharmacist said,

You can't treat a cough with laxatives.

Course yer can said the assistant.

Look at him he's scared stiff to cough now

 

.......................

 

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

 

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

.......................................

 

David Cameron called Nick Clegg into his office one day & said,

' Nicholas, I have had a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back

Middle England ..'

 

'Good idea David , how will we go about it?' said Clegg.'

 

'Well' said Cameron 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour

coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador. Then

we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much

Something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,

........ Oh & remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act'

 

'Right David' said Nick.

 

So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at

heel, they set off from London . Eventually they arrived at just the

place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub &, with the

dog, went in & up to the bar.

 

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood

please' said Cameron.

 

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it

is, coming up'

 

Cameron & Clegg stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,

nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog

lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about

how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

 

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a

grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the

Labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders &

walked back to the other bar.

 

A few moments later in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the bewilderment of Cameron & Clegg people of all ages & gender followed suit over the next hour.

 

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Clegg called the landlord

over. 'Tell me' said Clegg, 'Why did all those people come in & look

under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old Custom?

 

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told

them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ***holes!!

 

............................

 

 

 

 

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

 

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

 

 

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 

 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

 

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

 

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

 

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

 

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

 

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

 

 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

 

 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

 

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

 

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

 

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 

 

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

 

 

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

 

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

 

 

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

 

 

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

 

 

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

 

 

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

 

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


 

 

 

 

The Secret ..........

 

 

 

An old one but much funnier with this visual...............

 

Bless her little heart.....How sweet........

 

The secret to long life....

 

bmu1.jpg

 

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:,

 

 

She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice

 

 

big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every

 

 

week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I

 

 

don't exercise at all."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Forty," she replied

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