Jokes thread!

[Uwe 3,545]

Just so you know.... I often pop on here to read ur jokes so they are not going in noticed:)

[Motor Mouth 255]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. 

 

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" 

 

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. 

 

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." 

 

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" 

 

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." 

 

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" 

 

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

 

**************************

An elderly, but hardy, cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. 

 

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

...........................

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. 

 

 

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." 

 

 

 

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." 

 

 

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[Motor Mouth 255]

[Motor Mouth 255]

little suzie

 

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do??" "Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is definitely out of the question?" 

[Motor Mouth 255]

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for

Many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How

have things been going?"

 

The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I ...was ... almost ... married !"

 

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't

stutter anymore!"

 

The answer comes, " Yes... I .. went ..to ....a

...doctor .. And..he ... told me ... that .. if I .. speak

... slowly, I will ..not .....stutter."

 

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again

About how he was almost married.

 

" Well, ... my ... fiancee and .. I .... were ...

sitting on ...her ...porch and .....the ...dog was ...

scratching ...his back, and ....I .....told ..her ..that

...when we ...were ....married, .... she ... could do that

... for ... me ... and

then ..... she ... threw the ... ring ... in my ... face

....and ...left.

 

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for

that?" asks the first friend.

 

"Well, .... I .... speak ...so ... slowly, ... That

... by ..the time ... she ... looked at .... the dog .... he

.... was ... licking his ....testicles."

[Motor Mouth 255]

bubba dies in a fire

 

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba." "How can you tell?" asked the mortician. "Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!" 

[Motor Mouth 255]

Read the jokes its gotta be better than listening to the Boro Vs Brentford..

 

The Italian virgin 

 

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,

she was very nervous.

 

Her mother reassured her;

 

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

 

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

 

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

 

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests..

Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

 

So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her

mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

 

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

 

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

 

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'  :rolleyes:

[Motor Mouth 255]

Poor old Michael

 

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

 

 

After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

 

The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

 

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

 

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".

 

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

 

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

 

O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

 

He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."

 

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".

 

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

 

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".

 

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."

 

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

 

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."

 

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

 

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

 

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

 

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".

 

"I will never use this bar again".

 

"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

[Motor Mouth 255]

Tale of the balloon family

There was daddy ballon- mummy balloon and baby balloon.

One cold night baby balloon decided it would be warmer to sleep with daddy and mummy balloon. So He quietly crept into their bedroom and tried to get into their bed but there was no room.

Being crafty he let a bit of air out of Daddy balloon but still no room in their bed

So he went to mummy balloon side and let out a bit of air from mummy balloon, but still not enough room in the bed

 

Quick thinking he let out a bit of his own air and then just enough to get into bed with them.

 

 

Next morning Daddy ballon was furious, Son, not only have you let me and your mummy down, but worst of all you have let yourself down as well

[Motor Mouth 255]

Efficient Waiter

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

 

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..'

 

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' "Oh, certainly!'

 

Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39\%.' I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[Motor Mouth 255]

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

 

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

 

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

 

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

 

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

[Motor Mouth 255]

A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'

.................

A man was sitting in the men's cubicle of a motorway service station, when he heard a voice coming from the next cubicle.

 

"Hi, how are you?" asked the voice.

 

Embarrassed at the sudden intrusion, the man replied hesitantly, "Er... yeah... OK, I guess."

 

"And what are you up to?" asked the voice from next door.

 

The man really didn't know what to say. "Pretty much the same as you, I guess," he eventually replied.

Then the voice spoke again. "Look, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the cubicle next door answering all the questions I'm asking you!"

...................

My girlfriend left me because she says I only ever think about football. 

 

I'm gutted, we'd been together for nearly three seasons.

.................

A little girl walks in on her naked father. Intrigued, she points to his balls and asks, "Daddy, what are those?"

"These," replies her father, "are the apples of life."

Puzzled by this explanation, the little girl wanders off to find her mum and tells her what her Daddy said.

"Well dear," says her mother, "they might be apples, but did he tell you about the dead branch they're hanging off?"

................

My wife went missing four months ago and today the police called and told me to expect the worst.

 

Now I have to go to the charity shop and buy back all of her clothes.

...............

One evening at a dinner party Winston Churchill angered a matronly woman.The woman said, "Mr. Churchill if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

Winston Churchill quipped, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it"

[Motor Mouth 255]

cadillac people

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

 

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

 

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

 

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

 

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!" 

[Motor Mouth 255]

This actually happened to an Englishman, in France , who was totally drunk.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches there-after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed completely hammered.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking each other questions, do you realize that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side?   :D

[Motor Mouth 255]

Nearing the end of his life, the actor W.C. Fields was interviewed in a nursing home for the indigent. The interviewer asked, "Mr. Fields, during your long career you made millions, what happened to all that money ?"

 

W.C., replied, "Well, most of it I spent on good whiskey, fast women and slow horses. The rest of it I just wasted".

.............

Definition of a transvestite:

 

A man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

.............

I met this wonderful girl today. We had so much in common. We both liked football, beer, pub food, and she even laughed at my offensive jokes.

 

 

So I took her back to my place and she sat me down and then stripped totally naked.

 

 

And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common.

...........

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing on the edge of a cliff, crying.

 

 

"Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a BJ  before you do it?"

 

 

 

"My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl, "so I might as well."

 

 

 

After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Wanna come home with me?" and then adds, "Why are you so depressed anyway?"

 

 

The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."