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Military Humour.

 

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently,: in a loud voice, "Admiral, Royal Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

 

 

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, Fleet Air Arm, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

 

After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant,  Royal Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

 

*****  

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Certainly not," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

 

+++++++

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for £5?"

Soldier: "Sure, mate."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!

Do you have change for £5?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

 

++++++++

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

++++++

A Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barber’s. They were both just getting to the end of their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"

The Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

 

+++++++++

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy boss to the bewildered sailor, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Sir!" the sailor replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in a queue again!"

 

and finally this one which is so daft.

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

 

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.

 

He immediately shouted "Mickey  Mouse!    Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

 

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"

'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout

 

"Donald, duck!"

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A middle-aged man went to his doctor and asks for a prescription of the strongest Viagra available because he had got two young nymphomaniacs staying at his house for the weekend.

 

Later that week he went back to the doctor and asked for painkillers.

 

"What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "Is your penis in that much pain?"

 

"No," said the man. "It's for my wrists - the girls never showed up."

...............

How can a woman scare a gynaecologist? 

 

By becoming a ventriloquist.

.................

My wife just accidentally hit a cat with her car.

 

The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.

....................

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast: bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?

 

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

 

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir-fry, that would only take a couple of minutes?"

 

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

...............

A bus full of nuns collides with a cow and falls of a cliff and they all die.

 

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Agustin. He says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single line.” The nuns do so.

 

St. Agustin turns to the first woman in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a p.nis?”

 

Sister Debora responds: “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta…touched one with the tip of my little finger…”

 

St. Agustin says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your little finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” And she did so.

 

St. Agustin now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a p.nis?”

 

Sister Barbara replies: “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”

 

“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted”. And she did so.

 

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to push in front of another! St. Agustin sees this and asks the nun, “Sister Susanne, why you in hurry? There is no rush!”

 

Sister Susanne responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Barbara sticks her *** in it!” icon_wink.gif

......................

Looking at his wife, the bloke said "your face reminds me of the lottery", she said "What? I look like a million pounds?", he said "No, I wish you would just roll over".

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  • 2 weeks later...

On his first day working in a sex shop, a young man was left alone for the afternoon while his boss went out. The man was nervous about dealing with customers' questions, but his boss assured him he would be fine.

 

The first customer was an elderly white lady.

"How much for the white vibrator?" she asked.

"£30," he replied.

"How much for the black one?"

"Same price, £30."

"Right," she said, "I think I'll take the black one; I've never had a black one before." And she paid the money and left.

 

Shortly afterwards an elderly black lady came in.

"How much for the black vibrator?" she asked.

"£30," he replied.

"How much for the white one?"

"Same price, £30."

"Right," she said, "Hmmm, I think I'll take the white one; I've never had a white one before." And she paid the money and left.

 

An hour later a young blonde woman came in and asked, "How much are your vibrators?"

"£30 for the white one and £30 for the black one," he replied.

"Hmmm," she said, "And how much for the tartan one on the shelf?"

The young man replied, "Well, that is a very special vibrator and will cost you £250."

The blonde thought for a moment and said, "OK, I'll take the tartan one." 

And she paid the money and left.

 

Finally, the boss returned. 

"How did you get on today?" he asked.

"Great," the young man replied. "I sold one black vibrator and one white vibrator... and I sold your thermos flask for £250!"

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What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?

An armadildo.

 

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos

Unfortunately, he's having trouble with squatters. 

 

In a crowded pub, all of a sudden the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.

 

The barman asked, "What's the trouble, sweetheart?"

 

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"

 

Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

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We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. 

One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.

 

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house..

 

The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. 

At the follow-up meeting the next week we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.

 

Here are their experiences:

 

 

Bill Carruthers, 74

 

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------

Nick Enwright, 86

She stood before me, trembling in my shed

“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”

So I took her down to The Royal Oak

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

Ted Roberts, 79

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other Wellie.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

Tom Entwhistle, 73

 

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Jack Farthing, 78

 

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.

“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.

“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

John Hardcastle, 72

 

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”

So I invited my Mother to stay for the weekend.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

Colin Horrocks, 65

 

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

 

“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Malcolm Riddock, 75

 

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------

Allen Cardly, 74

 

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped.

“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the shop receipt.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

 

Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat *** and no dress sense.”

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Nicholas Benchley, 53

 

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.

“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded

“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

Toby Williams, 60

 

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”

“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

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An older couple had been dating for years and one day they decided to get married, they decided to go out for a meal to discuss the forthcoming wedding, they had a long discussion about the finances , living arrangements and so on, eventually the subject of sex came up, the man asked " how often do you want sex"? She replied " I would like it infrequently", the man thought for a while then leaned forward and whispered " is that one word, or two?"

++++++++++++++++

A man is showing his girlfriend his new sports car, she's a girl that loves speed and is really excited, 

" if I can get to 200 miles an hour will you take off all your clothes"? Asks her boyfriend, " yes " replies the girl, so off they go, soon the man gets to 200 and the girl takes off all her clothes, unable to concentrate, the man loses control and crashes upside down against a tree but the girl is thrown clear and is unhurt, " get help" says the boyfriend, " I'm stuck" the girl replies " but I'm naked and my clothes are gone" ,

The man takes off his shoe, " take this and cover your pubes"

The girl runs off with the shoe between her legs, soon she comes to a garage and runs up to a mechanic, " help help my boyfriends stuck" she cried, " sorry madam" replies the mechanic, " he's too far in for me to help'"...

++++++++++++++++

A family are driving behind a rubbish truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

 

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect."

 

To which the daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

+++++++++++++++

How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

 

Very satisfying.

+++++++++++++

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lick'en 'em." icon_wink.gif

+++++++++++++++

A man is stranded on a desert island, after a few days wandering, he comes across a native tribe and finds out they have just lost their chieftain, the tribe tell the man that he can become their new chief but first he has to pass three tests, the man agrees, he is taken to a clearing where three straw huts stand, " in the first hut " says a tribe member, " are 20 gallons of our native beer, you must drink the beer and go onto the second test, " he continues, " in the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth, you must pull out the tooth, if you survive that you can go onto the final test, " in the third hut is our late chiefs beautiful young daughter, you must make love to her until she can take no more" the man agrees and goes into the first hut, after several hours he staggers out and makes his way to the second hut, " do you want to rest" asks the native, but the man declines, wanting to complete the tests before he sleeps, and staggers into the next hut, after 2 hours he emerges, covered in blood, bruises and scratches, " now" he says " where's the girl with the sore tooth.....

+++++++++++++++

So I asked the wife what she wants for Christmas.

 

She said she wants 'Some chocolate, and a nice surprise would be lovely'.

 

Kinder Egg it is then...

++++++++++++++

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him 

how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it 

all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a 

roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the 

pool, and the library. “I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no 

bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage." I felt sorry 

for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" 

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was released."

++++++++++++++

Little Johnny's dad saw his son killing a honeybee, furious he shouted at his son " you shouldn't kill honeybees, no honey for you for a month", later his dad finds Johnny in the back yard this time he's pulling the wings off a butterfly, again his dad shouts , " you shouldn't kill butterflies, no butter for you for a month", later, his mum is in the kitchen preparing dinner, when a large cockroach runs across the floor, his mum jumps on the cockroach and squashes it flat, little Johnny looks at his dad and says, " are you going to tell her dad, or do you want me to do it"?..

++++++++++++++

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A school teacher at a Liverpool school tells her class that she's a Liverpool FC supporter and asks her students to raise their hands if they're supporters too.

 

Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fireworks.

 

There is, however, one exception, a girl named Becky isn't going along with the crowd.

 

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

 

"Because I'm not a Scouser."

 

"Then, what are you?" asks the teacher.

 

"I'm a proud Mancunian and support MUFC" boasts the little girl.

 

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red and asks her why she's an MUFC supporter. 

 

"Well, my mum and dad are MUFC fans, so I'm a MUFC supporter too."

 

The teacher is now angry and screams, "That's no reason! What if your mum was a moron and your dad was a moron!? What would you be then?"

 

A pause and a smile.

 

"Then," says Becky. "I'd be a Scouser."

 

+++++++++++++++++++

 

Paddy rings Murphy and asks; 

 

 

'What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?'

 

 

 

'Are you on foot or in the car?' asks Murphy

 

 

 

'In the car' says Paddy

 

 

'That's the quickest way' says Murphy.

+++++++++++++

 

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. 

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first boy Billy walked to the front of the class. 

 

He made a small white dot on the blackboard and then went and sat back down again. 

 

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

 

"It's a period." said little Billy.

 

"Well, OK, I can see that now," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said little Billy, "but this morning my 14 year old sister said she was missing hers. Dad had a heart attack, Mum fainted and the man next door shot himself." icon_wink.gif

+++++++++++++++

 

Did you hear that the price of lamb in Wales has just gone up?

 

It's now £4.95 an hour.  :D

+++++++++++

 

Christmas Party Tip: 

 

Asking for a kiss under the cameltoe is NEVER acceptable.  :D

++++++++++++

 

The pavements were frozen so, in the spirit of Xmas goodwill, I asked my lonely elderly next door neighbour if she wanted anything from the shops. She asked me to get a newspaper and a crate of milk. When I returned with these items, she told me to give them to my wife.

"Why ?," I asked.

The old neighbour replied, "Because I haven't heard her have an orgasm since you stopped having the milk and papers delivered."  :angel:

+++++++++++++

 

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep sh@gging. First of all, he visits a Cornish farmer.

 

 

"So, Farmer Jethro, how do you sh@g your sheep?"

 

 

 

"Well, oi takes the hind legs of the sheep and puts them down my wellie boots and takes the front legs of the sheep and puts them over the wall."

 

 

 

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher.

 

 

 

He then interviews a Yorkshire farmer.

 

 

 

"So, Farmer Bairstow, how do you sh@g your sheep?"

 

 

 

"Well, ah teks the hind legs and puts 'em darn me wellies and teks the front legs and puts 'em ovver t'wall."

 

 

 

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too."

 

 

 

Then he interviews a farmer from Wales.

 

 

 

"So, Farmer Jones, how do you sh@g your sheep?"

 

 

 

"Well, I do it lying against a wall, look you."

 

 

 

"Against the wall?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put their legs down your wellies like everyone else?"

 

 

"What?" says the farmer, "and miss out on all the kissing?"  :P

+++++++++++++

 

Just as we were going to bed my wife was looking through her wardrobe,

 

 

"Just look at this lot, " she said, "I challenge you to try and see if you can make me look good in anything, "

 

 

So I casually turned the light off.   :sleepy:

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My e.mail box seems to be overflowing these days with jokes sent me.

 

This one tickled me this morning. 

 

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

 

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

 

Sincerely,

P. Niss

 

 

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

 

 

Sincerely, V. Gina   :D

++++++++++++++++

 

I couldn't believe it when my 19-year old son won the lottery and didn't want to have anything to do with me when I rang to congratulate him.

 

His foster family have obviously raised him to be a right tight bugger.

+++++++++++

 

Sergeant to squaddies:

"Today, the education officer is going to give you a lecture on Keats...

and I bet none of you ignorant b@stards knows what a keat is!"  :D

Yes I had a sergeant like that to. :rolleyes:

++++++++++++++

 

A doctor examines a woman and takes her husband aside. "I don't want to alarm you," he says, "but I don't like the way your wife looks."

 

"Me neither, Doctor," says her husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." 

++++++++++++

 

He was an ugly baby. His mother only started to get morning sickness after he was born.  :D

++++++++++++

 

Why do witches never wear any underwear?

 

So they can get a better grip on the broom.  :s

+++++++++++

 

Recent studies have show that weight loss can boost a man's sexual health.

 

So ladies, get yourselves down the gym.  :angel:

+++++++++++

 

I met this wonderful girl today. We had so much in common. We both liked football, beer, pub food, and she even laughed at my offensive jokes.

 

So I took her back to my place and she sat me down and then stripped totally naked.

 

And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common.  :D :D

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The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

 

"How is she?" I asked.

 

"Very critical," replied the officer.

 

"What's she bleeding complaining about now?" I said.

+++++++++++

 

A guy goes into hospital to have a vasectomy.

The surgeon visits him later and says "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, unfortunately your notes got mixed up with another patient and we've given you a sex change instead of a vasectomy"

The guy gulps and says "Does that mean that I will never experience an erection again, Doctor"?

The surgeon replies "Well you may, but it wont be yours"

++++++++++++

 

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean, when they come upon a boat. 

 

On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

 

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

 

"Come on, it'll be fun. Come on, just this once!" says Willie.

 

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending the hapless sailors into the water.

 

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey, I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

 

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

+++++++++

 

I phoned my girlfriend, and said, "I was thinking dinner in my place tonight, think you can make it?"

 

She said, "I'll be there at seven, babe."

 

I replied, "Make it five, the dinner won't prepare itself you know."

++++++++++++

 

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. 

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar

And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. 

The news crew was covering the story 

Of a man on the ledge of a large building

Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 

"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,

"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,

"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,

"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, 

The guy on the ledge 

Did a swan dive off the building, 

Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,

But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. 

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,

"I can't take your money. 

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,

So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,

"I did, too,

But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

+++++++++

 

Woman: Does Viagra work? 

Pharmacist: Yes 

Woman: Can you get it over the counter? 

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two.

++++++++++++

I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap. (boom boom.)

 

All finished Merry Christmas to one and all.

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                                        A clever archbishop.

                                      ------------------------

 

 

Dianne Abbott visited Vincent Nichols, Archbishop of Westminster.

 

She told the Archbishop that Jeremy Corbyn would be attending the next day's Mass and she asked if the Archbishop would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Jeremy a saint.

 

The Archbishop replied, "No. I don't really like the man and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic church over certain of his views."

 

Abbott then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a donation of £250,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation that you see Jeremy as a saint."

 

The Archbishop thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

 

As Abbott had indicated, Jeremy Corbyn appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle.

 

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Archbishop pointed out that Mr Corbyn was present.

The Archbishop went on to explain to the congregation, "While Mr Corbyn's presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not numbered a*** my personal favourite personages. Some of his most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Jeremy Corbyn is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Jeremy Corbyn is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He falsely obtained Union money and is using this wealth to lie to the British People. He also has a reputation for shirking his representative obligations. The man is simply not to be trusted......

 

The Archbishop concluded, ".......but, when compared with Dianne Abbott, Jeremy Corbyn is a saint."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man goes to the doctor

" doctor" he says, " I've got a problem, I have five penises"

"wow how do your trousers fit?" asks the doctor,

" like a glove" the man replies

 

++++++++++++

 

While in town today I saw a homeless woman and I remembered seeing something on Facebook about giving them feminine products instead of money. Feeling suddenly very generous I rushed into Boots and two minutes later presented the homeless woman with a carrier bag. She thanked me, looked in the bag and with tears in her eyes asked me, "Where the hell am I going to plug an iron in?

 

++++++++++++

 

After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up... 

 

I wish I’d never put it on now...

 

+++++++++++++

 

My missus crashed her car into some guy last night. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time.

 

The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory!!!

 

++++++++++++++

 

A love-starved widow was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and enquired about putting an advertisement in the Lonely Hearts column.

 

"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of £1 per insertion."

 

"You don't say," replied the widow. "Well, then, here's £20 and to hell with the advertisement."

++++++++++++

 

My girlfriend is a online porn star!

 

She'll be so p*ssed off when she finds out. 

+++++++++++

 

Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a huge Rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs collar and twists it and breaks the dogs neck!

A man also in the park witnesses this and says to the kid, "That was amazing! I'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, I would like to write an article about what just happened."

He starts writing a headline, "United fan saves friend from dog", the kid says, "I'm not a United fan."

He starts again, "City fan saves friend from dog." The Kid says, "I'm not a City fan."

The journalist asks, "Who do you support then?" The kid answers, "Liverpool."

Next day the headlines read "Scouse kid murders family pet in cold blood!"

+++++++++++++

 

Wayne Rooney Community Service

As Wayne Rooney nears the halfway point of his community service, working at a garden centre for people with learning difficulties, he has developed a particularly strong bond with one down syndrome sufferer, Andrew Smith. 

 

"It has been really rewarding so far, although at times also very tough. Teaching him to count, whilst trying to make sense of his grunts and dribbles has probably been the hardest point so far", said Andrew

+++++++++++

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A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.  

 

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, "I'll bet the antelope gets away."

  

The wife answered, "If that antelope survives this one, I'll give you sex every day for the rest of your life"

 

The deadly chase was recorded. Click  here.....

 

 

+++++++++++

Two golfers are just about to tee off, when suddenly a naked blonde runs across the fairway followed by two men in white coats, a man carrying two buckets of sand and an old man hobbling at the rear. One of the golfers asks the old man what is going on.

 

"That's a nymphomaniac from the asylum. We attendants are trying to catch her," he tells them.

 

"And what about the man with the buckets of sand?" they ask.

 

"Oh, that's his handicap. He caught her last time."

++++++++++++

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and, sure enough, there's an ad. for 'gorilla removers'.

 

 

He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

 

 

 

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

 

 

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

 

 

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

 

 

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 

 

 

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 

 

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

+++++++++++

A married couple were lying in bed at night. The wife had settled down ready to go to sleep, but the husband was reading a book by the light of his bedside lamp. As he was reading, he paused momentarily, reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy before resuming reading his book.

 

 

Aroused by his touch, she got out of bed and slipped off her nightdress. The husband was mystified.

 

 

 

"What are you doing?" he asked.

 

 

 

"You were playing with my pussy," replied the wife, "I thought it was foreplay for something heavier."

 

 

The husband exclaimed, "No! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages!"

+++++++++++++++

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye.

 

 

As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars and beat the guy senseless.

 

 

 

When the guy came to, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.

 

 

 

Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means 'screw you' in gorilla language.

 

 

 

The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns and a large sausage.

 

 

 

Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage, where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas are natural mimics, he put on a party hat.

 

 

 

The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag and put it on.

 

 

 

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn and did the same.

 

 

 

Then the man picked up his knife, whipped out the sausage from his pants and sliced it in half.

 

 

The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man and pulled down his eyelid.

+++++++++++++

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Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

 

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine 

early each morning. 

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her 

domestic chores.

 

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their

lunch and carry it to the mine. 

 

One day as she arrived at the mine with their lunch, she saw

that there had been a terrible cave-in.

 

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White 

began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had 

somehow survived. 

 

'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? 

Hello!'

 

For a long while, there was no answer.   Losing 

hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is 

anyone down there?'

 

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she 

heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, 

singing;

 

"ENGLAND FOR THE WORLD CUP"

 

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 

 

'Oh, thank you, God!     At least Dopey is still alive.

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A Warning To All Elderly Gents.

 

Be warned !!

 

  

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrison’s supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

  

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:-

  

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.  They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

  

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say ‘No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case Waitrose.

  

You agree and they both get in the back seat.  On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.  Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet !

  

I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th and 29th November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

  

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

 

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

  

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.

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DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? 

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

 

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee

 

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

 

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

 

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

 

'Yes, I do' she replies.

 

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

 

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

 

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

 

'I remember that too' she replies softly. 

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

 

'I would have been released today.'

..............

 

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.

 

 

That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room. 

 

 

 

She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me." 

 

 

 

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder". 

 

 

 

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" 

 

 

 

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. 

 

 

 

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!" 

 

 

 

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!" 

 

 

 

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy.

 

 

Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

................

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