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When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St Peter told him he was lucky to be there.

 

John Paul asked, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

 

"God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests," said St Peter.

 

"You mean he's mad about that?" the late Pope asked.

 

St Peter replied, "She's absolutely furious."   :D

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Hitler walks into the meeting room and turns to his trusted staff. "I want you to organise the execution of 10,000 Labour Supporters and one kitten."

 

 

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Goering pipes up, "Mein Führer, why do you want to kill a kitten?"

 

 

Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table, "You see, no-one cares about the Labour Supporters."

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A lawyer was going home in his limo, when he saw two men sitting on the side of the road eating grass. He tapped the glass and told his chauffeur to pull over and investigate.

 

 

The chauffeur went across to the two men and asked them why they were eating grass. The men replied that they had no money and must eat grass.

 

 

 

The chauffeur went back to the car and told the lawyer. The lawyer, deeply moved, invited the men back to his house, where he would feed them.

 

 

 

One of the men very timidly said, "I have a wife and three children." The second man spoke up and said, "I have a wife and six children."

 

 

 

The lawyer, filled with compassion, told them to bring their families along. 

 

Both families squeezed into the car and they set off for the lawyer's house. 

 

 

 

One of the men was overcome with gratitude and took the lawyer's hand, "Sir, you are too kind and generous, and we are not able to replay you. Thank you for your kindness."

 

 

"Do not worry about it, it's fine and there's plenty for everyone," replied the lawyer. "You'll love my house - the grass is about two feet high."

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I once asked my ex wife "Have you ever orgasmed during sex?"

"Of course" she said "Lots of times"

 

"Well why haven't you let me know at the time?" I asked her

"You told me not to ring you at work unless it was an emergency" she replied.

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Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest.

The good witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, "Why are you crying, my friend?"

 

The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my friends... sniff... sniff."

 

The good witch replied, "No problem!" and she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the yellow toad turned green... all except for his private parts, which remained yellow.

 

"Oh no," exclaimed the little toad. "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!"

 

The good witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the wizard!"

 

So, off the little toad went to see the wizard.

 

 

 

The good witch continued on into the forest, where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard.

 

"Why are you crying, little squirrel?" the good witch asked.

 

"Because," said the little brown squirrel, "All my friends are red and I want to be red too... sniff... sniff."

 

"No problem!" said the good witch, and she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... all except for his private parts, which remained brown.

 

"Oh no!" exclaimed the squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except for my private parts! You have to make me red all over!"

 

The good witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the wizard!"

 

But the squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the wizard! How will I find him?"

And the good witch said, "Oh that's easy! Just follow the yellow d1ck toad..."

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I walked into a butchers shop the other day, and he said to me "I bet you £10 you can't reach those two pieces of meat up there" I said to him "I'm not going to take that bet" "Why not" he repli

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Husband told his wife, "My new job is having sex live on stage."

She said, "Are you having me on?"

He replied, "I'll ask, but so far they've all been thin & pretty"

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image004.jpg

 

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I accidentally dropped a load of Viagra on the floor shortly after taking one.

 

I was crawling around on all fives for about half an hour looking for them.

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DQXRVkhWAAAq8yT.jpg

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The Wife wanted a new bag and belt for Christmas.

 

Happy to oblige, the Hoover should work a treat now.

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A zebra living on the African plains is depressed. All his life he has been troubled because he wasn't sure whether he was white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

 

Finally, the uncertainty forces him to pray to God in order to answer his question. He kneels down, looks up to the heavens and says, "Dear God, please put me out of my misery. Please let me know whether I am a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes."

 

The skies clear and a booming voice replies, "You are what you are."

 

The little zebra is puzzled by this answer and goes to see this wise old friend, the giraffe. He tells the giraffe precisely what his question was and what the answer was. "I'm still no wiser," he says to the giraffe.

 

"But," says the giraffe, "the answer was very clear: you are a white zebra with black stripes. If you had been a black zebra with white stripes, then God would have said, 'You is what you is'."  :D :D

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A horse is in the pub having a few drinks when it spots a donkey in the corner. He nips over to have a natter, and the donkey asks "What did you do for a living?". The horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter". The Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything?". The horse says "On the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby, and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.

 

They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, and the donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy, he's done everything". So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here, and who's that in the picture on the wall?", to which the donkey replies " That's me when I played for Juventus!"

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Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, Bruce.

“Bruce, Bruce!” she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

‘Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!’ she said.

‘Crikey!’ Bruce said and tried to pull her up. ‘You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get Frank.’

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

‘No way. We can’t do it, let’s try Plan B,’ Frank said.

‘Plan B?’ exclaimed Bruce. ‘What’s that’?

‘I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.’ replied Frank.

‘Spot on,’ Bruce said. ‘While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her tits.’’

`Play with her tits?’ Frank said. ‘Not exactly a good time for that, mate!’

‘No,’ Bruce replied. ‘But, I reckon, if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen, where the tiles aren’t so expensive!’

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 Who invented the backup sensor?

 I bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler. No, then how about Mercedes Benz?  Or possibly the French or Italians.   No! It was a Chinese farmer!

 

 Surprisingly it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology.

 

It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Reversing Sensor was a Chinese farmer. 

 

His invention was simple and effective.

 

It emits a high-pitch before the vehicle backs into something.

 

 

Here's his first prototype...

 

 

1414645187530.jpeg

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Sex after Death 

 

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

 

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

 

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

 

"Is that you, Frank?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

 

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

 

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

 

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

 

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Scotland"  :D

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Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life. 

 

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

 

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

 

One day the evil brother died. 

 

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.

 

"God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.

 

He has been sent elsewhere."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.

 

"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

 

"You can see him if you wish", God said, "I will give you the power to gaze into hell." So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

 

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

 

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son.

 

 

 

The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't." icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

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Wrong Address..

 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. 

 

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

 

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the e-mail to the wrong address.

 

Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My Loving Wife

 

Date: Friday, July 13, 2007

 

Subject: I have arrived!

 

Dearest Love:

 

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and! you are allowed to send e-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

 

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 

PS..... Sure is freaking hot down here! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

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Nudist colony.

 

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.

 

A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked,

"Did you call for me?"

The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"

She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

 

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

 

"Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.

 

"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.

 

"You must be new," answered the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

 

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist,

 

"May I help you?" she asked.

 

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £200 membership fee."

 

"But Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."

 

"Listen lady," he replied, "I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

 

 

" I'm outta here" icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

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The Husband Store:

 

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  A*** the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE.  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward.  The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.  Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.

(scroll down and keep reading!)

 

 

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.  Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer. 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...

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A guy with a monkey walks into a bar and sits down.  The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.  Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.  He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls.  To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.  The bartender looks at the guy and says, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight.  Don’t worry; I’ll pay for the cue ball.”

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the all the stuff that the monkey ate, and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him.  He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar.  The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender asks, “Did you see what your monkey did just now?”

“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.  “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to *** that cue ball out, he measures everything first now.”

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These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said i...n court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you ***ting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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