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    I was riding a friend of mine's Harley in the country and had to swerve to miss a Deer, and the Harley landed up in a ditch.

    Then to my surprise this red hot looking brunette, showing a lot of cleavage, in a Vette pulls up and ask me if I'm alright? I told her "Thank you, only a scrape on my forehead".

    She says get in and I'll take you to my house a few miles away and clean and bandage your wound. I told her I was married and my wife may not like me going with her. She assured me that she was a nurse and will help me feel better.

     So, I got in and went to her house and she took care of my forehead and then said to take off my torn shirt and she would see if I had any other cuts that needed attended to. I told her my wife will be ***ed off, but alright.

     So, she asked me if I wanted a Beer or Wine and relax, as she started to unbutton her blouse. I told her again, my wife will be really-really ***ed off. She said, "your wife will not even know. In fact how far away and and where is she right now?" I said, "I guess still in the ditch with the Harley!!!!"  :funny: :funny:

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I walked into a butchers shop the other day, and he said to me "I bet you £10 you can't reach those two pieces of meat up there" I said to him "I'm not going to take that bet" "Why not" he repli

I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite. When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a voluntee

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A young blonde woman gets pulled over for speeding in her car. Out of the squad car gets a police woman who is also blonde. The police woman walks up to the blonde driver and asks to see her licence.

'Ooh, er.... what does my licence look like?' asks the driver.

'Stop arsing about' says the copper, 'It's got your face on it'.

The woman digs around in her handbag and eventually pulls out a mirror and looks into it. 'This must be it' she says and passes it to the officer.

The officer takes one look in the mirror and says ' Ok, you can go now and if I had known you were a police officer, we could have avoided all this'.  :D

++++++++

"A set of jump leads walks into a bar, the barman says. Don’t start anything.."

 

He did though and the cops put him on a charge.  :funny:

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A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.

'What are we celebrating? asks the barman.

'My wife has just run off with my best friend'.

'What's his name?'

'I don't know, I've never met the poor b*stard'.

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Apologies if this has been done before but here goes;

 

A ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual act including his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.

 

Suddenly a blonde woman in the middle of the crowd stands up and starts shouting at the stage.

 

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”

 

“What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?”

 

“It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!”

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to stutter an apology when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little sh*t on your knee.”

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A few quickies.

 

Fella walking down the road with his dog under his arm meets his mate.

His mate says "Hows it going",

He said "I gotta put the dog down".

His mate asks "Why is it mad".

No he says "Its f*ckin heavy". :D

+++++++++

Prostiture gets run over by a car.

A crowd gathers and she's laid there screaming.

"I'm blind,I'm blind".

A doctor passing push's through the crowd let me see her I am a doctor he says.

Kneels down beside her she is still screaming "I am blind I am blind".

The doctors says "How many fingers have I got up".

She screams " I'm fricking palalysed as well"..  :D

++++++++++

Jockey riding a horse for the first time.

Trainer pulls the jockey over and says,

"Heres what I want you to do,its a 6 furlong race.

I want you to hold it back for 5 furlongs and then give it it's head and let it go.

A furlong from home the jockey lets it go and all of a sudden

I prawn sandwich smacks him in the face a meat pie hits him in the ear a bottle of champers

smacks him right on the nose.

The trainer goes upto him afterwards and says "What went wrong how come you lost the race."

The jockey says "I was hampered in the last furlong."  :D

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What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles ...Whodiduknickabollocoff

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Two nuns riding their bikes through the village.

One says to the other "Do you know I have never come this way before".

The other says "Its probably the cobbles".

+++++++++++

Fella walking through the hospital see's a guy bandaged from head to foot.

What happened to you then he asks.

"Bungy jumping" comes back the reply.

"What you mean all those elastic ropes and going over the edge of a bridge did that".

"No Mr Bungy came home early".

+++++++++++

2 nuns meet in a street.

Ones pregnant and the other says,

"Hello my dear,I ain't seen you since Benedictus. 

+++++++++++

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A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe  dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. 

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised. 

He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. 

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. 

This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck. 

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.

‘Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 

 

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

 

He lost 31kgs that week...

+++++++++++++++

 

Bobby was visiting his father at the nursing home and noticed pop kept leaning over the side of his chair. As they are talking, a nurse kept coming over to sit his father upright. This happens repeatedly throughout the conversation. Bobby is becoming concerned about his Dad's mental state. "So, Dad, how do you like it here?" his dad replies, "It's okay, but they never let me fart!"

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An elderly couple are having breakfast in their house, it’s their 50th anniversary, the man says to his wife, “ 50 years ago today we were sat at this very table both of us stark naked” , “I remember “ says the wife, “ shall we get naked again” so they both strip off and are sat there without a stitch on. “ you know my love” says the wife, “my breasts still burn for you like they did all those years ago “ “ well “ the husband replies, “ I’m not surprised, ones in your tea, and the others in your porridge “..

 

++++++++++++

 

A man placed an ad in the local newspaper, “wife wanted “ it said

The next day he received a hundred letters back which all said the same thing. “ you can have mine”..

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I was at the cemetery laying some flowers on my mums grave, suddenly six pallbearers carrying a coffin went by, a few minutes later the six pallbearers went by again, this time the other way, again a few minutes later they went by again, I thought, “ they’ve lost the plot”.  :D

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  • 2 weeks later...

 Little Johnny's Breakfast - - -

 

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. 

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 

'Very good', says the teacher. 

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 

'Excellent.' 

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 

'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'. 

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. 

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. 

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of  Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off  Canada 's east coast. 

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. 

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?' 

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. 

That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'

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A man joined the army, and signed up for the paras, after completing a series of jumps from ever higher structures he was ready for his first jump from an aeroplane, the next day he called home to tell his father all about it, “so did you jump.” asked his father, “ well let me tell you what happened” replied the man, “ the sergeant asked for volunteers about a dozen men got up and jumped” “is that when you jumped.” asked his dad, “ erm, not quite” replied the young soldier “ the sergeant then grabbed the men one by one and started to throw each one off” the father asked again, “ is that when you jumped” “ I’m getting to that”, replied the para, “as I was the last man I told the sergeant I was too scared to jump, but he tried to throw me off anyway, but I managed to hang on to the door, he said if I didn’t jump he would kick my ass” , “ so you jumped then, right?”said the father, “ well, no,” said the soldier, “ he called the jump master over,” replied the para, the jump master was about six feet five and about eighteen stone of solid muscle,” “ the jump master asked if I was gonna jump but I told him I was too scared” the jump master pulled down his trousers and took out his penis, I swear dad it was about ten inches long, the jump master said, “ listen boy, if you don’t jump I’m gonna stick this little baby right up your ass” 

 

“ so did you jump” asked the dad, “well, a little.....at first.” replied the para

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Quickie in the Bushes.

----------------------------

There are two statues in a park; 

One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.They had been facing each other across a path way for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single

gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen

minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' 

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's

change positions. This time, I'll hold the

pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery.

 

One turns to the other and ask's "Is this whiskey".

 

Yes replies the other but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?"

 

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

 

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

 

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,”

 

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?"

 

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…"

"Why are we living in England”

>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

An old one but still funny.

 

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." The colonel interrupted,

"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

 

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Tony Blair and Nigel Farage somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Nigel and said, "How about you, Mr. Farage ?" Nigel replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

 

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

 

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !!!"

 

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go ??".

 

Edna: "No, no, no... course not...  I'm just saying, wear an old dress".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

 

 

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

 

 

 

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked

 

woman before?"

 

 

 

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

 

 

 

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"

 

 

 

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

 

 

Now, that's a REAL Businessman!!!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sat in the passenger seat, the husband turned to his wife and said

"You really are a bloody awful driver"

"Give over" she complained "I'm not that bad"

With that, the husband wound down his window, opened his door and swam to the surface.  :D

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