Jokes thread!

[Motor Mouth 255]

 A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all

 one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf

 Quay. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor

 noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you

 babes?" he asked. "Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm

 around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look,

 nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for America

 tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over

 there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you

 food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me

 

 - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you

 won't be found". The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the

 sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the

sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and

 making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain

 was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He

 peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an

 explanation. The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America.

 One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me

 food and water every night and he's screwing me." 

 

The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his

 face and he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight

 Ferry!"

[Motor Mouth 255]

Dave is browsing in the pet shop and see's a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It does not have any feet or legs.

 

Jeeps he wonders aloud  "Whatever happened to this parrot".

 

The parrot says "I was born this way I am a defective parrot."

 

Sheesh Dave replied "You actually answered me". Oh boy.

 

"Of course I happen to be a highly intelligent bird and thoroughly educated as well."

 

"Oh yeh? then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet."

 

"This is so embarrassing" the parrot says, "but since you ask I wrap my weenie around the wooden bar like a little hook.

"Yer can't see it because of my feathers."

 

Wow says Dave "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

 

"Actually I speak both Spanish and English, I listen to the radio and can converse on any topic. You really ought to buy me I would be a great companion.

 

Dave looked at the price tag £2000 and knew he could not afford that,

but the parrot said "I'm defective,no one wants me. So offer £20." Dave did and was delighted to walk out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational, he has a great sense of humour, he's interesting insightful, and a great pal.

 

Dave comes home from work one night and the parrot whispers in his ear.

"I don't know if I should tell you this, its about your wife and the postman."

 

"What the heck are you talking about demands Dave."

 

"When the postman delivered today,your wife greeted him at the door in her best sexy nightie" said the parrot.

 

"WHAT???" Dave asks.

"THEN what happened".

 

"Well then the postman came right into the house and lifted up her nightie,and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

 

"NO! Dave exclaims., and she let him.?"

 

"Yes then he continued taking off her nightie and got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over."

 

Dave, the poor frantic guy demands, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

 

"Dammed if I know, I got a hard on and fell off my perch" said the parrot.

[Motor Mouth 255]

Bobs wife and Bob started dieting a week ago.

His wife proposed they should have a cheat day today

She brought home McDonalds burger, KFC,wings, and Bob brought home his secretary.

 

From his hospital bed Bob is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.

[Motor Mouth 255]

When he got home from work, the bloke asked his wife

"What was that you put on my sandwiches today? It was bloody horrible."

"Crab paste" 

"Where did you get that from?". 

"The chemist". 

[Motor Mouth 255]

Letter to a men's helpline..

 

 

Hi Bob,

I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on

me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs

up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out

for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,

then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was

at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline

crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?  :cheese:

[Motor Mouth 255]

"WARNING"

 

A heads up for the fellas on here. 

 

That new Wilkinson Sword ball razor isn't for what you think it's for.

 

Sent from A&E.

[Motor Mouth 255]

A roll of red tarmac rushed into a pub and asked where he could hide. The barman asked why and the roll of red tarmac said he was being chased by a roll of blue tarmac. The barman said then go hide in the toilets and i will tell you when it is ok to come out.

 

A few moments later in comes the roll of blue tarmac really ready for a punch up and asked if a roll of red tarmac had come in. The barman said no he had not seen any roll of red tarmac enter the pub. So the roll of red tarmac came out of the toilet when the barman said it was ok.

 

The barman asked what that was all about and the roll of red tarmac said, that roll of blue tarmac is a cyclepath and needs locking up. ??

[Motor Mouth 255]

                                             Newspaper or Laptop.

 

 

I went round to visit my granddaughter yesterday. I aked her if I could borrow her newspaper for a while.

 

She said "Get with it Grandad, no-one has newspapers these days. Here borrow my laptop"

 

I said "Fine - thanks"

 

Well that fly never knew what hit him !!!  :)

[Motor Mouth 255]

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

 

Thelma exclaimed: "That daft old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[Motor Mouth 255]

Hey just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for the wife.

 

I usually smoke Marlboro,but hey a deals a deal.  :D

 

+++++++++++

 

Paddy drags a huge metal box into the Antique Road Show.

"Where did you get this from ask's the expert."

"It's been in my loft for 40 years says Paddy."

"Do you have house insurance? ask's the expert."

"No should I have? ask's Paddy."

"Yeah say's the expert,it's your frigging water tank."

 

+++++++++++++

World Cup news flash..

Poland fan's have gone on a rampage in Russia.

Police report 350 cars so far have been washed hoovered and polished.

 

++++++++++

 

Timing is everything.

A police officer on patrol late one night comes across a car parked in a remote beauty spot. He does a check and everything comes back OK. The vehicle is taxed, insured, and has a recent MoT, and has not been reported stolen.

The car is old but looks to be in good condition, with a fairly new set of tyres.

 

The car has all the windows open and music softly playing on the radio.

 

A young man is sat in the front reading a car magazine, and a young girl is sat in the back polishing her nails.

 

The police officer asks the driver for his documents, which all tally with his previous check. He asks the driver his name and age. The young man gives them, and the officer notes they tally with the other information he has been given. He is satisfied that the young man is the owner, has a full licence for the type of vehicle, and the photo' on the licence is that of the driver, who turns out to be eighteen.

 

The officer then asks the girl in the back her name and age. She produces a school library card with her photo', and then tells the officer she is fifteen.

He is a little surprised to discover her age so he asks her when she will be sixteen.

 

She leans forward to look at the dashboard, then turns to the police officer and says, "in seven minutes and forty seven seconds ..."

 

Hold it,ah there you go,it's  finally clicked..  :D

+++++++++++

 

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her *rse. I didn't realise I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

 

++++++++++++

 

What does a woman and a cow pat have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

 

+++++++++++++

[Motor Mouth 255]

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sarg.?"

+++++++++++++++

 

Here is The Weather Forecast :

 

"Following an explosion at the Japanese Car Manufacturer factory, it will be raining Datsun Cogs"

++++++++++++

I was having a walk this morning at 10am when I heard a noise from the lake, I went to investigate and saw Jeremy Corbyn waving his arms about obviously in difficulty in the water and going to drown. Being a responsible citizen I immediately went home and summoned the authorities. It's 11PM now, and no one has attended, I fear I might have wasted a stamp.

++++++++++++++

[Motor Mouth 255]

 A British Airways plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all the same!'

There's a few minutes silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all f...kin same.’

 

++++++++++++++

 

Proof that woman do things just to start an argument.

 

 

My missus rang me at work today and said "I've not had time to start tea, do you fancy going out for some?".

 

"Yeah that sounds good" I replied.

When I got home from the restaurant there she was sat at the kitchen table with a face like thunder.

[Motor Mouth 255]

Silly story.

 

 

A man in his 40's bought a new Audi convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. 

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. 

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Audi," he thought to himself and opened her up further. 

The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. 

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. 

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. 

I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." 

 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." 

 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer 

[Motor Mouth 255]

Just a couple more laughs.

The 60th High School Reunion

 

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.

 

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

 

Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me? After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.... yes I will!"

 

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

 

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

 

"Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes I will! And I meant it with all my heart!" The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me."  

 

+++++++++++++

 

The Ugly Woman.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants," she answered...."is to be in charge of her own life." Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

 

OKAY?

 

 

 

 

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....things are going to get ugly...

[Motor Mouth 255]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 

 

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." 

 

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. 

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." 

 

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 

 

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 

 

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.