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I walked into a butchers shop the other day, and he said to me "I bet you £10 you can't reach those two pieces of meat up there" I said to him "I'm not going to take that bet" "Why not" he repli

I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite. When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a voluntee

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Dad speaking to baby ''Say Dada''

Baby '' Mumma''

Dad '' No, say Dada''

Baby ''Mumma''

Dad ''Oh F*ck''

Baby ''F*ck''

At that point Mum comes in from work and says to the baby
'Hello sweetheart''

Baby ''F*ck''

Mum ''Oh my God, who taught you that word?''

Baby ''Dada''

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I lent my mate £10,000 so he could have cosmetic surgery.
Now I don't know what the *** looks like to get my money back.


A Russian spy, an IRA supporter and a racist walk into a pub.
The barman says "What can I get you Mr Corbyn?"

Top Tip

When your neighbour sees you washing your car and says, "Haha, you can do mine next, " tell him to do it himself as it's bad enough you have to shag his wife for him.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets... then it hit me. :lol:

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80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention.

The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?”

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… “Give her another chance! Give her another chance''

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Jihadi Jack's parents have been found guilty of funding terrorism by sending money to Syria for their son.
In their defence they said they refused to believe their son was involved in terrorism.
If that's the case, why the hell did they christen him Jihadi Jack?

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I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.
She'd lost all her holiday money. 
I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50. 
I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the carpark.


I wasn't planning on going for a run today.
But those cops came out of nowhere.


It’s difficult isn’t it..when your in a mosque,and everyone’s praying, and you really enjoy leapfrog.....


Got arrested last night for smashing my neighbour's car windows out with a hammer cos he's been playing Engelbert Humperdink songs non stop for the last 7 days. Anyway, I had the last laugh, police released me, let me go......


I found £60 on the pavement, stuck it in my pocket and was walking home with when I had a thought.
What would Jesus have done with it?
So I went to Tesco and turned it into wine.


I got my Ex a pug for her birthday.

In spite of the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seemed to like her.


Now, let's have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to
ride stationary bicycles.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized that she was lost. So she reduced altitude until she spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am, can you please help me?"

The man below replied "Well you're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." 

"Wow, You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?" 

"Well, answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more." 

The man below responded, "Ah, well you must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..."

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewd

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