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Jokes thread!

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My granddad was found dead in his kitchen wearing a corset, stockings, suspenders, and with a cable around his neck from what looked like a botched asphyxiation session.

(His friends actually found him wearing a Newcastle Utd shirt, but they changed him into this other stuff to lessen the embarrassment).

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Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made
even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...


The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says 'Hey Koala ! what are you doing?'

The koala says: 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says 'Hey you!'

So the koala looks down at him and says…

'Fuuuuuuucccck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!'

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