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"Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?" asked my mate Dave.

 

"Go on then," I replied.

 

"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.

 

I said, "That's Superman."

 

He said, "Thanks, I've been practising."

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MODERN TECHNOLOGY .......

 

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

 

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.

Well I tell you, that bloody fly on the wall never knew what hit it...


Old Harold.

 

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

 

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

 

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

 

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,

'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

 

She asks, 'What?'

 

'Sex!!' he replies.

 

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

 

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

 

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

 

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

 

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

 

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

 

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.

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Old Pilots

 

 

You think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are,

then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.

When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV,

I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'


This is mythical and deep... truly beautiful...

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

 

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

 

 

 

 

 

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

 

What does it mean?"

 

 

The Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .

 

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

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"Sign Language"

 

Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

 

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

 

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

 

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

 

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

 

His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.

 

Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

 

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

 

She replied,

 

 

 

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, pronto!'

 

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, at least let me tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' the wife sobbed,' ‘but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

 

The husband began: 'Well, as I was getting into the car to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

 

She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

 

Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate them up, ravenously.

 

She was dirty. I suggested a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away.

 

I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

 

I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique, and don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued: 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

 

“Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

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A man is watching a game of golf on TV, but he keeps switching channels to a movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

 

 

 

"I don't know whether to watch the couple or the golf game," he says to his wife.

 

 

 

"For Heaven's sake, watch the couple," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"

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The Vicars Salary.

 

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

 

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

 

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!'

 

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'

 

More sighs and loud applause.

 

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

 

There is total silence.

 

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

 

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k him'.

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A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to

him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,

"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten

minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat

it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

The bloke says, "Listen, love, can the baby make his bloody mind

up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

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A man's wife is going shopping for the day, so she says to her husband " can you take our son to Blackpool today?"

The man replies "fine, but he can't have everything his own way"

When they arrive in Blackpool... the boy says "Dad can I have some candy floss?"

The dad says " no son you can't have candy floss, I've already taken you to Blackpool, you can't have everything your own way"

So five minutes later the boy finishes eating his candy floss

The boy says " can I go on the ferris wheel "

The dad says " no son, I've already took you to Blackpool and bought you candy floss, you can't have everything your own way "

Five minutes later they've just got off the Ferris wheel

The boy says " dad can I ride the donkey?"

Dad says "no son, I've took you to Blackpool, you've had candy floss and you've been on the Ferris wheel... "

So five minutes later, the boy has finished riding the donkey

The boy says "dad, can you buy the donkey for me? "

the dad says " no son, I've took you to Blackpool, bought you candyfloss, let you ride the Ferris wheel and the donkey, you can't have everything your own way

So five minutes later, the boy and the dad are driving home with a donkey tied to the roof of the car.

The boy says to his dad " what should we call the donkey?"

Suddenly after the boy says this, a car comes from nowhere and cuts them up, so the dad honks his horn and shouts "W*nker!"

The boy, however, not realising his dad wasn't talking to him, thought that w*nker was the name of the donkey.

After driving for a while, the ropes holding the donkey went slack and the donkey fell off the roof of the car.

The son shouts to his Dad "W*nker's off Dad! W*nker's off!"

The dad replies " no son I will not w*nk you off, you've been to Blackpool you've had candyfloss........

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Doctor says to a lady patient:

 

Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are OK.

Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.

The lady swings into action, removes her panties and spreads her legs....

Doctor: No! No! No!

Please put your clothes back on...

Just show me your tongue!

 

.....................

Daft as bats.

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in

fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p*ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

 

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

 

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

 

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled

around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that

large oak tree over there?" he asked.

 

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I didn't."

 

 

 

My jokes don't get any dafter than that one. :D

 

........................

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

 

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

 

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo. Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .

 

Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...

 

And thats when all the other bells started to ring.

 

.........................

What a beautiful story. This should be shared with everyone!

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

 

The End .

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A few short one's.

 

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at

his wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he was still

going.

 

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But

don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for

£2-99.

 

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought

Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with

the Giro.

 

Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life.

I've just seen the trailer.

 

I thought the wife would be the ideal

candidate for a new TV show.

Turns out I got it all wrong. The programme's called Fact Hunt.

 

 

 

The cost of living has now got so bad

that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

 

 

Today in an opinion poll I was asked, “If you could eliminate a race

from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?” After some thought I said

“Arabs”. Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.

 

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

 

Some swine's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

 

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it.

 

My Final Will !!

 

I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

 

SHE Shouted Back "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY *** !! "

 

...................

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

 

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

 

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

 

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

 

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

 

Annoyed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

 

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

 

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

 

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

 

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

 

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

 

'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church

in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he

noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub

drinking beer.

 

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open

door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs

Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member

of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'

she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

 

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave

back and forth.

 

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and

grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost

their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

 

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up

on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

 

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have

any of that carrying on in this pub.'

 

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you

don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and

said,

 

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.

......................

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

 

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

 

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

 

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

 

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

 

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

 

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

 

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

 

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

 

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

 

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

 

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

 

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

 

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

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Don't mess with the oldie's.

..............................

Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a

break in their soon-to-be new shop...

 

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner

is going to walk by, put their face to the window,

and ask what we're selling."

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,

a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek,

and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

 

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well...

Only two left."


JOHN'S EGG BUSINESS

 

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young

layers (hens), called 'pullets,'and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

 

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

 

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this

morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. When he went to

investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,

bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run

for cover.

 

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't

ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

 

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrow County Fair and he became an overnight sensation a*** the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.


Fancy Dress..

...........

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

 

 

 

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

 

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

 

 

 

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

 

Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

 

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint………

 

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

 

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your *** and go as a toffee apple.

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