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After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia .

 

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

 

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

 

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

 

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

 

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

 

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

 

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

 

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are ***ing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's ***, it could just about *** on you.'

 

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

 

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.

 

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink p1ss, and listen to bull sh*t.'

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I'm writing this from the hospital, but don't worry. The doctors say I will be fine,just a bit of pain for a while.

 

Though I must warn you - the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name !!!

.......................

 

 

In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

 

 

 

 

 

A nurse noticed his predicament.

 

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

 

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

 

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.

 

Who would know if he touched them?

 

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

 

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

 

 

 

 

 

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

 

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

 

 

 

 

 

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

 

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

 

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

 

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

 

MEN NEVER LISTEN


Magic Sandals

 

 

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

 

 

 

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

 

 

 

So the married couple walked in.

 

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would beinterested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

 

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

 

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

 

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

 

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

 

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

 

The Jamaican began screaming: "stop stop You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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The main reason I drink is because it makes me more intelligent.

 

it's like this...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first .

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest braincells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

...................

 

 

 

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold

blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up..

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold .'

The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!


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I got in touch with my inner self today,

 

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll ...

 

 

 

.....................

 

... my Grandad went on 'Stars in their Eyes' as Glen Miller,

 

he walked through the mist and nobodies f*****g seen him since ...

 

 

 

......................

 

... After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, I said to the cashier;

 

"Can you do this any cheaper?"

 

"I'm afraid not," she replied;

 

"If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."

 

I said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."

 

She said; "Look sir, you're holding up the queue, do you want the newspaper or not?" ...

................

 

Panties on a plane.

 

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floeresant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties...'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first.'

.................

A teacher's story about Stuttering

 

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,

asked the girl to describe the incident.

 

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty

and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start

and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

 

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"

but before she could say 'F*ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.


Last one for the day you'll be pleased to read. :D

 

Ever have one of those days? Ever asked yourself that question??

 

 

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

hm0r.jpg

 

 

Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

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A Kind Hearted Scotsman.

 

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a s***y new restaurant last night...

 

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

 

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

 

... So they walked past it again...

 

..............

The Darwin's are out!!!!

 

 

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are

bestowed, honoring the least evolved a*** us.

 

Here is the glorious winner:

 

1/ When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim

during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James

Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the

barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

 

And now, the honorable mentions:

 

2/ The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting

machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his

insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for

himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 

3/. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during

a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken

the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

4/ After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver

found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from

Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the

driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free

ride . He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

5/. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head

wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the

injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he

could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

6/ A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,

and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled

a gun and asked f or all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly

provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20

bill on the counter.

The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [if someone points

a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

 

 

7/ Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd

just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and

run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking

him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole

event was caught on videotape...

 

 

8/ As a female shopper exited a New York convenience

store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and

the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and

drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to

stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her.

That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 

9/The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that

a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti ,

Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk

turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a

food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't

available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR

STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

 

 

10/ When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a

Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he

bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up

next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man

admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the

motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to

press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

 

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and

family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost

friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

 

 

*** Remember....

They walk a*** us, they can reproduce & vote..


I am always eager to learn new stuff!

 

Longest Nerve In The Body

 

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a ***ty outlook on life.

 

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

 

My public service is done for the day!

 

uag.gif

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A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' & realistically'?"

 

His dad thinks & then says "Right-ho son, go & ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."

 

The boy toddles off & comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

 

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go & ask your sister the same question."

 

The boy toddles off & comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

 

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go & ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

 

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

 

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

 

"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

 

Realistically, we're living with two tarts & a poof."

.............................

 

Dr. Smith's Prescriptions

 

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Paterson about enlarging her breasts Dr. Paterson advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

 

She did this faithfully for several months!

 

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

 

e6f.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

 

Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

 

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Paterson’s?

 

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

 

He winked and replied, " Hickory ***ory dock "

 

cpqa.gif

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The marriage

 

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

 

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

 

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

 

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

 

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

 

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

 

She said, 'That was incredible!'

 

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

 

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

 

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

 

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' ...............

 

 

 

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey

..................

Painting the Church

 

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

 

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

 

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

 

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

 

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn a*** the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

 

 

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:

 

"Oh, God, Oh, God forgive me; what should I do?"

 

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

 

 

"Repaint! Repaint! ...............And thin no more!"

...................

An elderly couple is attending a church service.

 

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

 

It says, "Just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

 

 

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

...................

A Scottsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

 

 

 

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,

Not a cow."

 

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,

You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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ADVICE FROM ALF LEADBETTER - RETIRED HUSBAND IN WASS, NORTH YORKSHIRE

 

 

 

"It's important for men to remember, that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

 

 

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Alf, retired butcher, living in Wass. Let me explain how I handled the situation with my wife, Ethel. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Ethel to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

 

 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually arrive home from the golf club about the same time she gets in from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining.

 

 

For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But lads, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

 

 

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

 

 

She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as she's in and out of the fridge making one for herself, she might as well pour me a Black Sheep best bitter too.

I know that I probably look like a saint; the way I support Ethel.

 

 

I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However lads, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

 

 

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

 

 

 

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

 

 

 

Alf died suddenly (Feb 14th) of a perforated rectum.

 

 

The police report says he was found with a Galloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Ethel, was arrested and charged with murder.

 

 

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that Alf, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

 

 

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

 

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

 

 

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

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GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

 

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud

pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a

drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clockin the morning and it is pouring out

there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember

about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

 

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the

pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still

there?"

 

Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.


BEER WARNING ....

 

 

 

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

 

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

 

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

 

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship. "

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

 

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

 

........................

 

 

The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

A British gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the bloody window."

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Little Billy...

 

A teacher asks her class of juniors to use the word "fascinate" in a

sentence. She calls on Jimmy sitting in the front row and asks for an example..

"I went to an airshow and it was very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating"...

She then calls on Susie sitting off to the left and Susie says..

"I saw some monkeys and they were very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'"

Billy's hand shoots up into the air .

"Teacher, teacher! I got one!"

"Go ahead, Billy."

"My sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fascinate"...!!!!

 

............................................................................

 

Jamaican Humour

 

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Ya

no sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station..

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon,

When I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.

When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.

When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night gurl."

The next night, he came home and shouted,

"Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!

"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!

"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out,

"Bell Four"

"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked. She replied,

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR De Fire!


The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

 

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

 

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

 

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

 

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

 

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

 

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

 

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

 

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!". "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

 

The Nun fainted.

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There still maybe some of you up there that speak in the Yorkshire twang and will enjoy these jokes.

 

 

Duz tha speak Yorkshire?

..................

 

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

 

 

 

Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"

 

...............................

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."

 

.....................

 

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "D’ ya want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

 

.............................

 

The last is always the best ...........

 

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell a*se cream?" Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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